


Where's the boy with the chemicals

by milliondollarbum



Series: "beta" Louis [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: "beta"!louis, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alpha Harry, Alpha Liam, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Canon Compliant, Louis-centric, M/M, Noncon mention, Omega Louis, Omega Niall, Omega Zayn, drugs mentions, zouis brotp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-13 20:33:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4536393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milliondollarbum/pseuds/milliondollarbum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"It's unbecoming of a male of the Tomlinson family to be brought up as an omega." His mum says at least, still not looking at him. He can feel Mark's gaze upon him, hungry eyes eating him up.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>  <em>He wants to throw up. He says "Okay." Like it's <em>okay</em>. Like that's the only explanation he'll ever need for getting hooked on suppress.</em></p><p>  <em>Or, Louis is the "beta" of One Direction. He have a diary.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. feed me lies and simple explanations

_ So, I bought this vintage looking old journal at the thrift shop last night with Justin. Apparently, it isn’t colorful snakeskin so yeah, the acid lied. Wouldn’t have been the first time, ain’t that right? So yeah, I thought about what to write -Justin made me buy three different fucking feather pens why would I need that- and I thought ‘fuck it, let’s start a biograph’. Dunno what to call it tho, Drugs And It’s Bi-affects; Me, Myself and Drugs, or just Louis Tomlinson autobiography. But I have a good title;    
  
Who killed Louis Tomlinson.   
  
I’ll be dead in some years, I know that, but who’s fault? Mine?, The suppressors?, All the other drugs?, The PR-team that made me this fucked up?, My Family?, Or all my friends that left me?    
  
  
Entry no. I   
  
When One Direction started, no one knew how big we would become. Sure, we had the looks and adequate voices, but everything is about marketing. And everyone knows what teenage girls -omegas, most of them- wants, the bad boy rich type or whatever. So here’s the start where I, Louis Tomlinson, accidentally fucked up and sold my soul.   
  
Well, not literally but what else can you call a contract that decide everything for you; how to look, act, and all that. I can tell you all about those fucking contracts, this journal will be out when I’m dead.   
  
Being the only “beta” on this fucking boy band I of course got the shittiest deal. Fuck the other guys with their “cute” Alpha/omega relationship that doesn’t sell with the media.   
  
Fuck it all. _   
  


* * *

  
  
He hears Paul knocking and shouting for them to get up in ten minutes. Louis lets out a groan, his head pounding in time with the banging. As he sits up he feels everything shifting around him, and he’s unsure if he’s really fucking hangover or still drunk. Another groan escape his lips as the boys starts to rush around the room trying to get their shit straight for the interview.    
  
“Stop moaning and get up already Louis,” Zayn tells him. Which is probably the first thing any of the boy have said to him in a week's time, excluding interviews and performances.    
  
“Fuck off, I hear all your moaning and other shit through _doors._ ” Louis grumbles back as he looked around in his bag. With a sound of triumph he finds a bottle of Bacardi and drink straight from it, welcoming the burning sensation in his throat. Drinking away the hangover is always the best alternative. That and painkillers, of course.   
  
“You woke me up at like, five in the morning when you entered,” The tanned boy shot back.   
  
He continue to dig through his bag and finally finds his suppressors, sneakily dry swallowing one when the other’s aren’t looking. Which is never nowadays. “What time is it?” he ask instead, ignoring Zayn’s comment.   
  
“A little over seven.” Huh, two hours of sleep then, that’s actually quite good. It means at least one deep sleep period. He sees the other boys leaving before he goes out of bed and into the bathroom on the bus, taking out the white powder bag from his jeans. With used hands he cuts up three small lines with his credit card before he _breaths._   
  
And everything’s fine again.    
  
It’s actually fucking pathetic, he’s 22 and can’t remember how it is to be sober or clean.   
  
Paul’s there outside, looking at him sternly but doesn’t say anything, just rush him to the other boys as they head towards the interview.   
  
It’s boring but _funfunfun_ at the same time, he’s high and giggling, laughing at everything and making sassy remarks; exactly how he’s suppose to be looking in the eyes of the media.   
  
The other boys are cute and domestic and it fucking hurt his eyes. Making doe eyes at each other, being all lovely-fucking-dovey. Don’t they know love isn’t real, just some shit humans came up with. The feeling of love is the brain releasing the same endorphins as when high and drunk, and frankly, he’ll take a shot before love. It’s made up. Ages before; you just got arranged married and had kids. Alpha fucking omegas. Simpler times.   
  
“So, Louis,” The girl with the pink microphone and is interviewing them looks at him. “How does it feels to be with these lovely birds, while you’re single?”   
  
He shrugs, “Well, it ain’t nice I’ll tell you that, babydoll!” He laughs like it’s some intern joke but no, it isn’t nice, “Harry and Niall almost give me carviest  just by looking at them, and it’s a painful reminder that i’m just so single and lonely.” He gives her puppy eyes before winking, everyone knowing that he’ll end up on the news later that night with some hooker, “But Liam and Zayn!” He can almost feel Liam’s growl, telling him to _shut the fuck up,_ “Here we’re talking, lovely. But I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t say anything!”    
  
She gives him a knowing nod, relaxing at his carefree tone. “And to your last statement, about me being single…” Louis pauses dramatically and he can see her eyes bulge out, looking for the new big scoop.   
  
He looks down to stop himself from showing his grin, giving him a image of someone shy confessing their love. “Well… It’s fucking awesome.”   
  
He can see how displeased she is, it’s written all over her face.   
  
“Fucking, drinking, smoking, not much more you can ask for ain’t it?” He grins at her. He sometimes wonder if the reason he is further back in the interviews is so that the camera won't catch his red eyes and dilated pupils.   
  
“Oh sod off!” She’s giggling with him. The interview continues on, focusing on Louis wild nights and the others boys cute relationship.   
  
No one of the boys mention Louis, and he pretend that it doesn’t break his heart. He’s used to it. It just hurts how much they have drifted apart since the start.   
  


* * *

  
  
_ So, journal huh. Haven’t written in you for ages. So how’s life? Good, good, sounds interesting. Fucking hell I’m embarrassing myself ain’t I? Well let’s talk about something good instead! I actually think Niall talked to me today, he was alone -meaning without Harry- but of-fucking-course he left me the minute Harry came into the room. Still, it’s something??   
  
I remember how good mates we were back then, during the x-factor and at the start. Everything changed when omega Niall and Zayn found their mates in alpha Harry and Liam. And then there’s me, the  _ beta _. Hah, what a fucking joke.    
  
But bright side bright side thingys! I should be talking about, right. So we won some grammy, oscar, nobel? Dunno, that thing for music, last night. Might have went off backstage with Bieber and had some crystal. Always trust crystal, darling, it sounds so beautiful like diamonds and all that; but I still prefer my one and only queen, miss. Coke. A real deity to believe in, that one.    
  
Another good thing: I went on google last night, looking up who’s been alive the longest taking suppresses. Turns out it’s only 9 years, so I should probably get a notice in Guinness world record ain’t that right?! Taking those lil’ pills since what, 13? Hah, good gateway drug. Got used to taking pills everyday. So what if alcohol and cocaine sneaked its way into my daily routine. _   
  


* * *

  
  
He was sweating, looking into the serious eyes of his mum and Mark. Rich one, that one. Buying a fucking mansion to him and his family, throwing away money like cigarettes butts. He knew his dislike was somewhat reasonable when they had first met.   
  
The pills at the table just confirmed it.   
  
He'd knew that fucker had connection and had fingers involved in everything going on. Illegal pills. Fucking suppressor pills. Fuck off, no way he would take them.   
  
"Mum," he tried as he eyed the innocent looking pills at the table. He looked towards the microwave clock, 23:58.    
  
"Please," he tried once again; no reaction.   
  
"Pa?" The nickname he used on Mark, father or dad didn't really fit him. Didn't trust him enough to talk to him about his problems. About his sexuall preferring, about school, about anything really.   
  
But nothing really mattered when he looked at the table again.   
  
Silence.   
  
"Please." That overused word left his mouth again. He hated it, and swore to never use it again.   
  
Mark looked at him, his body position radiated power; straight back, shoulders drawn back and chin lifted high. His mother looked down submissive, _'like that fucking omega she is,'_ he caught himself thinking.   
  
He's already bad mouthing omegas, like he have grown up to do. Omega is bad; bad, bad, _bad._   
  
"Take it." His pa orders him with his alpha voice; and Louis quite hate himself for being an omega and only wanting to please the alpha. Like Mark's read his mind he smirked;   
  
"We'll have to teach you how to act like a beta."   
  
Louis swallows the pill, his mum is still not looking at him.   
  
"Why?" He have already swallowed the pill, seen his _father's_ eyes on his throat and the slight way his adams apple shift as he swallows. He shudder.   
  
"It's unbecoming of a male of the Tomlinson family to be brought up as an omega." His mum says at least, still not looking at him. He can feel Mark's gaze upon him, hungry eyes eating him up.    
  
He wants to throw up. He says "Okay." Like it's _okay_. Like that's the only explanation he'll ever need for getting hooked up on suppress.    
  
He swallows hard as he goes back into his room, praying to God that nothing bad will ever happened to his baby sisters.

 

* * *

 

  
_ Entry no. VII   
  
It's funny, actually, how being raped -I can't believe I wrote that, I have never said that word out loud- can do two things to you; shun every man away or get overy sexuall.   
  
I'm not actually sure what happened (maybe I enjoyed it) but I didn't hate the male specimen. God, sounds like I'm writing some fucking scientific report. But no, I didn't feel dirty, or loved; I didn't feel anything at all. Pa went to my room some days (everyday) in the week.   
  
Guess I'm one of them over sexuell? Wanting to feel love through sexuall contact and all that shit. Guess this diary became my fucking well needed shrink, hah ! And it’s fucking pathetic ‘cause I write in this journal as I just got home from David, gettin’ fucked into the mattress by another  _ beta. _   
_   


* * *

  
It didn’t matter shit what gender you were, female or male it was all the same. The second gender, however was a complete different ordeal. They lived in a society ruled by Alphas, simply enough.   
  
They say, you will become someone great when you present as an Alpha. They say you will rule this world, become a CEO, the world is in your hand, all that is up to you is to grasp it.    
  
Unless you’re an female Alpha, an abdominal, something out of this world. They were rare - the ones brave enough that would dare say that they are an alpha of the female gender- they are special, they can convince and give birth, at the same time they can fuck and release sperm.   
  
They are of another spiecement, traditional sciencement would say, and the people followed. They are not one of us.   
  
Female Alphas was hated, just as much as male omegas. Somehow, Zayn and Niall was proud, strong, enough to come out with their second genders.   
  
It was augmented that is why they went forward in the show, how they came to join everyone in Spain. Their voters wanted change, wanted their second gender to become something more than spoken in hushed disgusted voices; and no more revolutionary would it be to have two stars among them.    
  
Louis sipped his whiskey as he watched the omegas interact with their alphas. They rode on the movement, the second gender movement that stood for male omegas and female alphas. They rode on the vote of female betas who loved the whole alpha/beta fetish.   
  
And Louis, Louis rode on with his voice and hell contract. He was a Beta, a proud one. It was the only good gender, the only one not affected by hormones. A beta who can live their life without the fear of raping someone, without the fear of getting raped.   
  
A Beta was truly living the life.   
  
Louis used to whisper prayers every fucking night, to every god damn God and Goddess he had heard of and never believed in, to make him a Beta.   
  
And really, all those God’s and Goddess’ must be looking down, laughing at him mockingly as he presented as an omega at the tender age of 13.   
  
In those heat brought nights filled with slick and self hatred as he fucked himself; he damned the gods. He damned everyone he had ever prayed for, but mostly he damned the whole system, swearing revenge.    
  
And as he stood tall, shoulders back, head raised, looking like an Alpha with his small omega frame, and everyone thought ’beta’ as he walked past them, without sparing a glance, and them without caring for who he was.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
Some fucker from the PR team came into the room, looking all posh with his hair slicked and three pieced suit.   
_   
_ _'Fuckin' wanker,'_ Louis thought as the guy started to speak, "So who's going out tonight?"   
  
Liam hugged Zayn tightly to his chest "I think a night out would sit us well, don't you think love?"   
  
_Pet names and all that, disgusting._ Louis thought -or mumbled out loud from the looks of all the others- when he swallowed the suppressing pill right in front of them with a bottle of 43, cuarenta y tres, his one and only love. They all just assumed he took some drug and he didn't particularly care what they thought about him anymore.   
  
"Sure, been awhile." Zayn answered Liam, ignoring Louis.   
  
The guy with the annoyingly push suit looked at the other pair in the room.   
  
"Is Louis going?" Harry asked.    
  
Some bad blood had happened between them, apparently. Louis wasn't exactly sure of what, but he knows that the younger alpha seems to have taken quite the dislike to him.   
  
"Nah, I think I'll stay home and catch up with Sons of Anarchy today." Louis answered at the same time as the other man says, "He's going out."   
  
The oldest boy looked at the PR-guy, giving him his best puppy eyes. "Do I really need to? I'm not in the mode." He whined, "Can't you just let some whore get pap's outside the hotel and create some drama while I'm in my room watching netflix?"   
  
"Louis is going out." The PR-guy said again, answering Harry's question.   
  
"Think I'll stay home then." Harry said back. Niall too then, that little omega can't say shit to his alpha.   
  
Louis rolled his eyes, "Looks like it's just us three then!"    
  
Zayn smiled towards to him, and wow. Been ages since he last saw the boys smile towards him.   
  
PR-guy smiled at them, "You’ll have cab here in half an hour. And, Louis, you need to fix up your rumor." Louis wasn’t sure if he needed to fuck it up more -get more magazines written about them-, or slow down.   
  
"Go fuck yourself", he said, but really, he thought that. His mouth were moving on its own.   
  
Later, he tweets pic of himself -Liam and Zayn went back earlier- snorting cocaine between some hookers breast with the some bullshit drunk caption he can’t care to remember.   
  
Oh, Louis thought dryly before passing out, are you pleased me with you suit wearing devil.   
  


* * *

_   
Entry. XXX fuck thirty? forty? I’m too drunk for this.   
  
Day, night whatever the fuck.   
  
So I have no control over my mouth. Fuckin' fantastic. First my sense of smell went to Hell, and now my mouth.   
  
Oh diary, you're the only one that knows me.   
  
I should probably start writing in you more, but you know, life. I think the damn PR team is displeased with me, but they are kind of the fucking reason I am like this?   
  
Pathetic, don't know how to be without the drugs and alcohol. Or sexuall contact. I have long ago forgotten how it is to behave like a omega, to want to get cuddled or some shit.   
  
I always, automatically, do everything against my body wishes.   
  
Every reaction I have is learned, build up, trained. How damn easy it is to train those ‘instinct’ away. I don’t follow their alpha voice automatic, i'm stubborn, yet show respect; i’m a fucking perfect trained beta. _   
  


* * *

  
  
_“Sittin’ alone on cold bar stool, your cold hard eyes make me feel a fool.”_ Ed sings as he looks at Louis who snorts cocaine on the glass table in front of him like it’s his only lifeline. He looks up into the front camera of Sheeran’s iPhone 6s full, knowing it’s him but not understanding it.   
  
_“Pastel white features, high cheekbones, scarlet-blooded lips and deathly tones.”_ The other man continue to sing as he films while he touch Louis delicated face, making him shiver. He goes down for another line, still unsure if the older man is filming or just having his phone on.   
  
“The boy of my nightmares, sultry and corpse like; the boy of my nightmares.” Ed continued to sing, changing the prefix to he instead of she. Louis throw his head back, glancing towards the other male; showing of his relighted eyes, sickly thin collarbones and ribs, his red lips smiling slightly as if an intern joke.   
  
_“Brittle fingers, thin cigarettes.”_ As of cue Louis lights a joint and let the smoke escape through a highly mastered waterfall, _“So hard to tell apart, he hasn’t spoken yet.”_ Ed continues into his iPhone softly, humming along; not enough energy to get his guitar on the other side of the room. He accept the joint from Louis as he continue to film when Louis starts to sing the other verse.   
_   
_ _“You put your hand on mine,”_ Louis intertwine their fingers together before starting to sing the second part with his hoarse light voice from smoking, _“death white on brown, those whirlpool eyes; well I begin to drown.”_   
  
Sheeran hands get into camera, trying to give back the join before noticing that Louis is starting his second fix that night. A laugh escape him before continue on their song. “ _The boy of my nightmares, erotic and skull faced.”_ He sees the blissful face Louis makes as he throw his head back in pure bliss, and the alpha couldn’t control the twitch his dick gave in interest. He loses control over his phone in that second, still recording -showing of his beautiful hard cock- before focusing the quality on Louis again,   
_   
_ _“Featherweight perfection; underweight goddess.”_ He slowly drags his phone’s camera down Louis chest, showing off the joint he holds, the white mess on his chest from missed coke and his tattoos.   
  
He presses stop just before his cock shows.   
  
“I’m uploading it,” He tells Louis in case it weren’t clear enough.   
  
“I’ll retweet it. Wanna fuck?” He ask.   
  
The next morning he wakes with a lonely bed an a note telling him that _he’ll be his next inspiration._ Louis shrugs, not really remembering anything from the last day -or week-, but hey, he’s gotten quite good at controlling all these black outs. He search out his phone on the nightstand, looking through his scheme of the day.   
  
It’s 10:43. He needs to take his suppressors right now, and he have an interview with Niall at two.   
  
He takes out his phone and logs into twitter as he takes the small pill, drowning it with a bottle of Midori.    
  
Well. Lot’s of notification. And private ones from his PR team. Interesting. He checks throughout the last one and he starts to notice a pattern; tagging him with post of **edsheeran**. He clicks on the other males twitter account, looking at his latest tweet.    
  
A short film, blurry from the smoke inside the room and the shitty iphone quality. Ah, that's right. He still can't remember anything but can guess what he did and happened.   
  
He actually have a theory of why he have memory loss; it's like blackouts. The nerves that sends information to the brain stop working when you're drunk enough, and it seems like that is one of the bi-effect of the suppressors. They stop his brain from gathering information, and therefor don't remember it as he didn't record it in the first place.   
  
He types out a new tweet for the whole world to see, _'had a lovely evening with **@edsheeran** last night! x'._   
  


* * *

  
_   
Dear diary. I have given up on numbering all these entries, they are just random shit I write down.   
  
Starting to lose my sense of pain.  Burned my whole hand on the stove (accidently put my hand on it, I’m not sure what happened), but I didn’t feel the burning.  Niall was the one to notice. Liam and Harry didn’t even look up from the TV. _   
  


* * *

  
  
"Great show, lads!" Liam said to the other boys as they entered their touring bus.   
  
Still high on after show adrenaline, everyone was grinning as they went to change.   
  
"Want to watch a movie or something?" Louis asked the boys as he went to the sofa.   
  
Niall and Zayn joined him; harry and Liam just shrugged as they went to sit beside their omegas. Louis somewhat envied them, but instead of sinking into the arm thrown around him he went against his natural instinct and shifted forway. Away from the contact.   
  
"Wanna watch Gone with the wind again." He said instead.   
  
"A four hour film? We'll all be asleep by the time comes for changing the dvd." Harry responded but played the movie.   
  
Louis grinned, this was the first time in months that everyone had sat down together; not that the others realised it.   
  


* * *

  
  
"So what do you think?" He calls out as he brings the dinner. Teriyaki chicken and rice, going to the right side of Niall and Harry as he delivered the course.   
  
He sits down at the other side of the table in front of the couple; throwing the napkin carelessly into his lap when he sat down.   
  
Louis takes the silverware and starts to eat, "I think I actually succeeded with this one don't ya' think?" He asks then.   
  
He can't feel the taste; his tastebuds have been gone for a while now.   
  
"E's good," Harry says as he eats.   
  
There’s no room for small talk as they eat, and when Louis comes back from putting away the dishes, their chairs are already cold.   
  


* * *

_   
Dear Diary.   
  
Everything hurts, my whole body is screaming in agony. I want to take the next train far away, stop this damn circle of suppressors and self hatred.    
  
I might not even make it to the train station, maybe I’ll jump in to the train tracks at a desert place in hopes of leaving.   
  
As Voltaire said, we’re truly living in the perfect of any worlds. _   
  


* * *

  
  
They’re outside, Louis and Zayn, smoking their last cigarette before going into the small tour bus.   
  
“So,” Zayn starts asking, leaving the question unsaid as he took a blow.   
  
“So?” Louis shots back, looking idle at his iphone.   
  
“You’re going out tonight?” He ask after a minute; throwing the fag on the ground before lighting up a joint. _‘No pap’s around here so it's okay.’_   
  
“Dunno. I guess.” Louis says.   
  
“Eh, what do that mean, ‘dunno, I guess’?” Zayn ask looking at Louis.   
  
The smaller boy looks at the ground, as if pending on how much to say. He shrugs his shoulder and takes a little beautiful e-pill, dry swallowing it. He’ll try to be honest for once.   
  
“I’ll try to be honest for once,” Louis says. Did he just say that? Has he completely lost control over his mouth because of the pill’s side effects, or is he just high he wonder. He also wonders if he said that out loud.   
  
He didn't he gather, as Zayn just says “To be honest, for once.” In a sarcastic voice.   
  
The dark man looked at him, “Lou, if you’re gonna be honest; why are you doing all this to yourself?”   
  
A dry, dark laugh escape Louis lips, ‘ _if he only knew of all the other shit’_ , “Well, I said that I would be honest didn’t I?” he mused out loud, looking at Zayn to get a nod.   
  
“Do you remember our x-factors day's?” Louis continues.   
  
“Don’t change the subject.” Zayn says back.   
  
He pouts, “Aw, babe, don’t you get it? It all started there!” Another forced laughter escaped him.   
  
“What do you want to know?” He asked Zayn.   
  
“Dunno, everything.” He’s high, a giggle escapes him.   
  
Paul interrupt them, calling them inside, “We’re leaving, boys!” he shouts at them.   
  
Zayn looks rather displeased to be disturbed in their talk; he was finally getting some answers.   
  
Louis smiles back, he have no idea what Paul just said. It didn’t register in his brain; just a little black dot in his memories to match all others. What were they even talking about. Where even are he. He follows the others with a dozy smile and red rimmed eyes.   
  


* * *

  
  
Liam is reading through twitter with Zayn on top of him; Harry and Niall in a similar position on the other bed.  Some of the xx’s album is playing in background that Zayn insisted is _‘the best shit ever’,_ but Liam is also quite sure it’s this kind of music Zayn listen to when he’s high, and well.   
  
“’ey,” Zayn says slowly, muffled by his chest.   
  
“Mmh?” He said, still looking at his phone.   
  
“What started in the x-factor days?”   
  
Niall looks at Zayn, pointing at the sofa with his head, asking whether or not he wants to talk. A nod from the dark skinned man confirmed it and they both shifted from their alphas and towards to the sofa.   
  
“Where’s Lou?” Zayn asked Niall. They’re each sitting on different side of the sofa, their legs mingling together.   
  
“He’s out I think?” Niall answered, only to be cut off from Harry, “Said he was going to get somethings straight. Dunno, we’re not going to stop for another week, so he’s probably stocking up on _things.”_ He said the last word with disgust.   
  
Zayn frowned, when did Harry, Niall and Liam –he haven’t said anything but he knows, he is his omega so he knows- get so disgusted and against Louis.   
  
“Alright. Do you remember our X-factor days?” Zayn asked, repeating Louis question to him earlier that day.   
  
He gets another disinterested “Mmh,” from Liam and Harry, and a “Yeah, so?” from Niall.   
  
“Dunno, me and Louis were talking over a green earlier today. He said something about it all started there when I asked him why he’s so… like I don’t know, why he fucks up so bad for himself?” No one can blame him for not remembering the exact words.   
  
“Hmm…” Harry breathed out, knowing that he was the closes to Louis during those days. “He have changed since then, yeah.” Harry responds vaguely.   
  
“Changed? He’s a completely different person!” Niall said back to his alpha.   
  
“I don’t know about that though,” Liam started, “Like in the beginning he was loud and sassy, just like nowadays, you know?”   
  
“Only, he’s high or drunk all the time. In the beginning he was nice in private, always inviting us home and watching movies, you know, all the time.”   
  
“He does that still.” Zayn said at last after a long silence. “But we’re always busy nowadays.”   
  
“Yeah, and he know that. So that’s why he’s out fucking others and giving us some bad boy name?” Harry continued.   
  
Zayn frowned. “Hey, he’s the reason we have so many omega fans, they all want to get hit on by Louis.”   
  
Harry rolled his eyes, “So?”   
  
And he’s back to square one. “Ah, nothing.” He goes back to Liam's bed.

 

  
  
  
They say, you have to have bitterness and unhappiness in your life to be happy. Louis laughter with his ash stricken voice; and if you're only made of bitterness and unhappiness, then you're doomed to fake for forever.   
  
Zayn finds Louis sniffing coke and have two bottles of 43 empty besides him the next day.   
  
“Do’ya want a line?” Louis sluddres toward him, offering his coke.   
  
“Nah, I’m good with weed.” Cocaine and other hard drugs are really damaging to omegas, Louis should know that. But he guessed beta’s sometimes forgot about the second genders existence, treating everyone the same with his humoristic indifferent attitude.   
  
He sits down besides him on his empty sofa, which takes so little place in the big silent room. He have forgot that feeling, always being close with Liam or sharing the room with Harry and Niall.   
  
It somehow scared him, thinking that Louis have always been alone in these big suits they rent; and later snorting and drinking alone. If he wasn’t forced out.   
  
“Mind if I light one up?” He asks.   
  
“Does it looks like I give a fuck what drug you smoke in here? Just give me half and we’re cool.” Louis said back, taking another line. “Fuck,” He drags out the word, his throat exposed as he throws his head back against the sofa, “You really need to try this mate.”   
  
He declines, lightning his joint instead. “This is so much better”.   
  
Louis laughs, laughs way too long for a sober person, “Saying that weed is better than coke, it’s like saying that you prefer winter over summer.”   
  
“Well, I do prefer winter over summer.” Zayn laughs with him.   
  
“Not many do, mate, you’re one special fucking snowflake.”   
  
“Hey,” Zayn says, his eyes lingering on the white lines a little bit too long, “How honest are you tonight?”   
  
“How honest do you want me to me?” Louis says back, serious for once; turning his head to look into those brown eyes. His pupil dilated and red rimmed eyes, he’s a train wreck towards nowhere.   
_   
_ _But towards nowhere there’s far_ , a old songs speaks in the back of his head. _How can you be lost, when you have nowhere to go._ _   
_   
“What do you mean that everything started at the x-factor days?” Zayn asks once again.   
  
Some indie band were playing from Louis iPhone, Artic Monkeys, if he remember right. The air is stale, the smell of weed and spilled liquors filling it up, reminding him of dodgy bars of his youth.   
  
“Singing, dancing, contracts, touring.” Louis said back, opening up another bottle of 43 and pouring himself and Zayn a glass each with half coca cola, “Everything was lovely and no one of us read through what we signed, right?”   
  
Zayn brought the glass to his lips, sipping the Spanish liquor that Louis adored. “I remember, it was overwhelming and we thought we were on top of the world.”   
  
Louis snorts, emptying the glass in one go. “Fuckin’ pathetic. We didn’t read shit of what we signed.” He slurred and poured himself another glass and adding milk. “How honest?” he asked again.   
  
“Completely.” Zayn said.   
  
“Completely.” Louis repeated.   
  
“I signed.” The older boy said after a long pause, “I didn’t read, y’all had already signed.”   
  
“I was the oldest, I should have read it all through.” Louis said as he stared at the empty glass.      
  
Louis looked at Zayn, and Zayn got the feeling that he was getting to know Louis darkest secret; “I’m a beta,” Zayn didn’t catch the way the word left a bitter taste in Louis mouth, “And I’m suppose break heart. Living the life, giving the fans the thought that they could atleast be with _someone_ from One Direction. Even the manwhore,” Louis laughed, like it was some inside joke.   
  
Zayn took another small mouthful from his glass while Louis once again took the whole glass, finishing it off with another line of cocaine. His tolerance was on a whole another level from his omega body which could barely handle two strong drinks.    
  
“Domestic doesn’t sell, they say.” Louis began.   
  
Liam entered the room, taking a look at Zayn slight red eyes, drink in hand, and coke on the table.    
  
Within a second he was shoved out of the room and he heard screaming and yelling coming from Louis room, where Liam were.   
  
“Oh, fuck.” Zayn said. He didn’t get to know anything again. He didn’t do anything, though. Just stayed outside the room. He knew he couldn’t go against Liam when he were using his Alpha voice.   
  
He felt like a coward; maybe he is one.   
  


* * *

  
_ Dear diary, I woke up today without seeing anything. My eyes didn't seem to record anything, like an old broken recorder. After some minutes I could see again, waking up in the cold bathtub once again with an empty tequila besides me.   
  
I don't think I have any time left. My life is running away from me, yet standing still. I'm still the same scared omega who can't face the reality; who ignores my whole nature. The time is ticking away on the clock, the sand corn are few left in my hourglass.   
  
My time is soon up.   
_   


* * *

  
  
He hated his omega body. Louis have never, even as a child, been submissive, so it was easy to rebel against his natural calling.   
  
But, to never have an alpha's knot, to never go though heats, to never know the pleasure Niall and Zayn were feeling started to kill him slowly. Each hotel night he’d hear them through doors, and God, it killed him. How pleasured they sounded, how fulfilled, Louis would never experience that.    
  
So he either spend the night with some fan with some unfulfilling sex, or spend the night with an absolut vodka or his liquor darlings. Being drunk or high is almost as fulfilling as alpha sex, he tells himself.   
  


* * *

_   
Dear diary, I’m not even going to pretend to write the entry's number anymore. How long has it been since I last wrote in you? Half a year, a year? We are starting our fourth tour tomorrow. I haven’t been in contact with any of the boys in our freetime. Zayn have tried to get us together, smoking a joint in my house, but something have always come up last minute (always something with Liam).   
  
OTRA will be a new start, I hope. The reason why I haven’t been writing is simply because I’ve been busy. Not fucking some random whore PR have given me, no, I have actually been busy with work. I basically wrote the whole album four by myself. Liam pitched in here and there, but I wrote it. It makes me feel a lot better about myself, you know?   
  
Though, it hurts quite bad that management gave all choros to Harry or Liam. Zayn still takes all the high notes, Niall plays the guitar.   
  
No one will recognize that I had written basically everything, no they will criticize me for not having a good singing voice (even though they gave me the bad parts intentionally).    
  
It will create headlines. Like all my twitter fights do, like my whole twitter account isn’t used for marketing (it’s a small personal victory that I still have more followers than the omegas in the band), like everything I do isn’t done for marketing.   
  
After this tour it will all be over. The signs we signed at Modest will be done, and I may be able to get away from the ‘womanizer’ trap I was caught in.   
  
I can, when it is over, come out as an omega. But I really can’t, it’s too much riding on my name; and I can’t face my “father’s” wrath again. I can’t. I refuse.   
  
_ _I’m so fucked up, I wish I could end it all soon, when the contract ends and we sign a new. But I can and that’s so fucking laughable. But, oh dear diary, you know as well as I know that my time is counted._   
  


* * *

  
  
There was always something surrounding him that made him stay down on earth - may it be a party, some bong or a nice dose of pills.   
  
He remembers his one weekend party he had held with Justin last year. Fucking legendary, people are still talking about it, saying _"remember at Tomlinson.."_ It was no project X, but close to.   
  
It was like a normal house party, but only at an mansion. The iPhone connected with the speakers was free to use, resulting in that weird music people yet could sing with (Du Hast by rammstein and all other "10 hours" was some of the favourites (No one of the celebrities he’d invited will ever admit to singing _'look at my horse, my horse is amazing_ ' for ten minutes)).   
  
Other things happened at the party, the drunken shoving into the pool with clothes on was a classic. In the end everyone joined in. All the pool games you could think of was played in Louis pool, even beer pong (which really just was people throwing the small ball at anyone and everyone drinking in celebrations for it), at the end the pool was filled to the brim of alcohol and cig butts.   
  
A nasty surprise for his pool boy next day.   
  
The party eventually progressed into the bathroom where Louis indoor jacuzzi was held. Seven people fit into it, Stewart and her girlfriend giving everyone a show at the carpet beside the bathtub. Later, it became an orgy.    
  
Louis sucked Seth Rogen’s cock, moaning around his head then deep throating him as James Franco pounded his ass. The jazzuci was filled with coupels, threesomes, foursome, orgys. It was a memory that lasted forever.    
  
Louis walked out that night at five a.m, everyone was already fast asleep or had headed home. He still haven’t seen Zayn, Niall, Harry or Liam at his house; even though he had begged them to come.   
  
_ Still drunk, high and fucked out he picked up his phone, dialing Harry.   
  
Missed call (Louis Tomlinson)   
  
Missed call (Louis Tomlinson)   
  
Text message read: wht wehrn u here whyre u i   
  
Missed call (Louis Tomlinson)   
  
Louis Tomlinson calling. _   
  
“What?” Harry answered irritated. His omega was still sleeping peacefully by his side, thankfully. Niall was quite a handful after being woken up in the middle of the night.   
  
_“Harreeeh!”_ Louis sang through his phone, _“I missed you and the guys here tonight!”_ he chuckled, as if it was some joke between them.   
  
Harry grew aggravated by his drunken tone, moving into the bathroom to not disturb Niall. “What do you want at five a.m., Tomlinson?”   
  
_“Wondering why y’all not here,”_ Louis said in that thick northern accent he had when he was wasted.   
  
“Fuck off. Don’t call me this early ever again, got it? You could have woken Niall, you dumb bitch.” Harry said slowly in his alpha voice, “You’re fucking disgusting, it’s a fucking shame I even have to share this band with you.” He growled, then ended the call with a click.   
  
Harry sighed as he went back to the bed with his lover. Niall shifted slightly as Harry’s heavy weight pushed down into the mattress, forcing the small omegas body on to him. He put his arm around him, kissing his forehead softly.   
  
Louis Tomlinson was a person of his past. He might had loved the boy he used to be, but he knows that Alpha/Beta never works. So by moving on from his irrational feelings, he found the light of his life, a blond omega that he’ll never let any harm come to.   
  


* * *

_   
Hey, diary. entry no.fuck-if-i-know.    
  
Fuck everything. Fuck everyone. Omega body, suppressor pills, I’ll write a cover about my past; everyone will know the truth (it won’t go through, no one will know). _   


* * *

  
  
“Ugh, fuck,” Louis moaned out loud in his bed. Some sheep ikea-sheets that the hotel had did nothing to help him from this massive hangover he woke up with. Beer, cider, cocktail hangover was easy to handle; vodka and tequila, he could handle that headache. But red wine. Fucking red wine hangover, _fuck that._ That was the devil right in his stomach to throw up the fucking day after. Another sound of pain and annoyance left him, ‘cause fuck this, and fuck everything.   
  
He rolled over his cold -ain't that surprising- bed and saw a note. With a groggy mind and a stomach that really cried for the toilet he sat up and read it. **Up for round two?** Text me, followed up by a number.   
  
Louis rolled his eyes, “Yea, fuck you mate, couldn’t even make me cum….” He grumbled but still let that piece of paper land itself gracefully between all the others.   
  
“Fuck,” He moaned. _Should I throw up now, or eat and hope it will get better?_ , he asked himself. Well, the toilet was closer. So.   
  
Louis led himself into the empty bathroom, stretching his legs by the toilet as some in programmed routine. He threw his pointy and middle finger down his throat, tickling the little red shit and digging down his throat like it held the answer to the galaxy.   
  
He vomited once, twice, before his nose started to run and tears gather in his eyes. He ignored it as he pushed further down his throat.   
  
Soon everything that came up was stomach acid and blood. Louis groaned as he washed his hands and brushed his teeth. He looked at the dirty mirror the hotel had to offer, you could see his ribs. He frowned, he knew that all girl had a year ago been going crazy about his “tommo tummy”.    
  
He decided to eat twice as much to breakfast but -- “Oi, Loueh, get yo ass out! We’ leavin in five.” Harry’s voice filled his empty hotel room.   
  
Louis laughed satir at the dark joke, once he finally decided to eat breakfast he couldn’t.   
  
He went to pack all his things, took his little pill and lighted up a cigarette as he went around the room. The cigarette would at least still his hunger now that he had missed breakfast.   
  
The boy looked around the room with sharp eyes, but nothing seemed to be missed. He shrugged carelessly, if he forgets anything he could always buy anew.   
  
“Hello, darlings! Sorry if I kept you waiting,” Louis said as he came down to the tourbus. They would be sleeping there for at least three days, if he had gotten it correctly (probably not, nothing he registered in his brain was right, and mostly he didn’t register it all).   
  
“You’re late.” Liam grumbled, “Let’s go, Zayn needs his sleep.”   
  
Louis rolled his eyes, of course that’s all he think about.    
  
Liam looked sharply at him. Louis looked away, seems like he said that out loud once again. He seriously needed to learn to control the effects of these drugs, he can’t just think and then say it out loud.    
  
“Cheers for this wonderful trip.” Louis muttered to himself. The other omegas might have their alphas, but Louis had alcohol, cigs, and drugs; so really, who’s the real winner.   
  
Later as Louis sits under the shower head sipping the tequila, he couldn’t help but to dryly whisper, “I’m the winner.” Followed by a sob.   
  


* * *

_   
Dear diary, would anyone even miss me when I’m gone? _   


* * *

  
“Tell me, what do you think happens after death?” It’s a rare moment between Louis and Niall. Harry hasn't let his omega out of sight in years, so Louis wasn’t complaining when the Alpha went out to get a new _yoga mat_. Honestly.    
  
It was only the two of them left on the bus now, so Louis started up their ps4 with the new FIFA, knowing Niall would come out of his and Harry’s bunk sooner or later.   
  
“Dunno. Everything’s black, maybe?” Niall guessed.   
  
Louis snorted as he made another goal at fifa, he was so crushing Niall’s Manchester with his Doncaster. “Surprised you aren’t christian, with all these cross Harry wears and tattoos on.”   
  
Niall frowned, “Hey! Harry might be my alpha, but that doesn’t mean he controls me. My religious belief are my own, and after death I just think it’s all black.”   
  
Louis laughed out loud by that, pausing their game. “Love, how long has it been since you played fifa? You suck, honestly, you were better two years ago.” He indicated to the fact that Harry hadn't let him play, but Niall missed the point by a mile.   
  
Niall frowned, “Well, it's been a while,” he admitted.   
  
“And that’s because I am the only one around here that plays fifa, the only one you can pay with. The one Harry doesn’t want you to be with.” Louis continued the game, scoring once again as Niall was unprepared.   
  
“Hey that’s not true! Harry likes everyone, he’s so sweet.” Niall tried to block Lois offensive stradegy, only to let one goal in by himself.   
  
Louis smiled a sarcastic, pitying one, “Of course, babe.”    
  
Omegas was controlled. Sometimes he understood why his father wanted him to be a beta. In some twisted way, Mark delivered freedom to his pathetic state.   
  


* * *

  
_ Dear diary, I talked to Niall today. He's fucking clueless about everything, it's adorable. He is a damn retard, he is so fucking goddamn innocent. I want to be in his position, I want that innocent the fans loves.   
  
I don't want this broken used body, I don't want the girl, the boy, I didn't want my pa.   
  
I hate myself so fucking much, God, why did you make these omega, alpha, beta bodies? Why did you create a sex that would be discriminated? Niall and Zayn are so fucking lucky, they are riding on a fucking rainbow. They will never know the pain of being an omega; they will never knows how much it hurts both physically and mentally whenever they go against an alpha, to deny your owns body’s nature.   
  
I'm not sure how long I can handle it. _   
  


* * *

  
Louis knew exactly what to do in every situation, a smile, a wink, a flirtatious invitation.    
  
Whenever you meet someone new, you will subconsciously decide to classify them as either ‘friends’ or ‘lover’. Louis always made himself into the second category. It was the first step, one of the easier step. Clothes and position controlled and seductive, eyes dark with lust; a sinful pouted mouth, teeth dragging on the underlip. Voilá, he was classified as ‘potential love interest’.    
  
Simple, clean, and the person in question would start thinking about him. Step two: Leave signs of interest.   
  
A touch on the arm, thigh touching softly, letting his eyes wander between the person's eyes and lips.   
  
Everything came down to science, or some shit. Basically: he knew how to get the guys and girls, how to make them fall in love, and crush their love.   
  
It was with sick satisfaction he did the last step, watching, _feeling_ , their love leaving them.    
  
Sometime he was cruel, letting the boy or girl in question walk in on him fucking, other time he was mercifully, smiling so sweetly to them and say _but darling, I never loved you._ Either case, he loved watching their eyes grow dark and losing all hope.   
  
It was addicting.    
  
It was the only feeling he knew outside of alcohol; the only way to satisfy his omega side. Make them fall for him then break them. Make his inner omega love them, then break their and his heart. It was the tragical beauty he needed for his songs.    
  
It was what his rotten, putrefacting heart needed to take another beat.   
  


* * *

_   
Dear diary, entry no. whatever I still haven’t counted.   
  
I think it’s time to take up on the title of it: Who killed Louis Tomlinson?   
  
As you have read through my story, you might think you know me --that is wrong. No one knows me. I would have said Lottie, my sister, would have been the closest, but since I presented as an omega I haven’t shared anything with her, then x-factor came along.    
  
The second person I would have said knew me the best; knew all my small tics, like the way I’ll push my hands into a fist when i’m aggravated, or the way I bit my lip when I’m nervous, would have been Harry.    
  
Harry Styles, my band mate of soon five years. Still, the last two years he have not acknowledge me once except that drunken call at five a.m. at my legendary party (I still don’t know why neither of the four showed up, even though I had told them weeks before).    
  
I guess harryandlouis stopped when he found out that Niall presented (a late bloomer), and mated him within his first heat.   
  
It’s of course irrelevant on the subject of who killed me. In the present time I would say the suppressors, it’s bi-effect are growing worse, and killing me.   
  
_ _But, I don’t think I can handle this life any more, any longer. Who killed Louis Tomlinson? If this is my last entry, it would be stated: me._   
  


* * *

  
  
Louis tweeted @edsheeran some video with puppies, “This looks like you, hah !! x”   
  
It was an official fact that Harry and Ed were friends - it was good publications that Louis was friend with his friends. Showing that it was no disturbance between the band.    
  
(It was many. Another _closed_ fact was that Sheeran disliked Harry, and fucked Louis)   
  
“You gotta’ see this puppy vid, guys!” Niall shouted from the sofa. Liam and Zayn looked annoyed that they had to end their cuddle session, but no one had the heart to deny Niall anything. Harry and Louis took a stand behind the sofa as Niall replayed the video; Harry discreetly pushing Louis down to the floor with a soft push.   
  
No one noticed his sound of distress, Louis glaring at Harry as he pushed himself up.   
  
He looked at the way Liam had an arm secured around Zayn; the way Harry let both his hands rest against his omega. He would never have that blissed out face, he will never experience the feeling of feeling secure in an alpha’s arms. Whenever a Alpha touched him, he just felt distrust and hate.   
  
“Oh! I just tweeted that to Ed!” Louis said as he recognized the video Niall was playing. The blond frowned as he minimized the video; laughing that he was watching the video he had tweeted to Sheeran's timeline.   
  
Harry raised an eyebrow, “Trying to steal my friends, eh?” he spoke slowly.   
  
Louis laughed (the first time Harry have spoken to him in months outside interviews), “Nah, he just want to fuck me mate.”    
  
Louis felt a chill down his spine, the whole room dropping in temperature. Harry let out a strained dry laugh, “As if someone would want to fuck you.”   
  
Louis remembered the video of him and Sheeran some half year ago, and was about to voice his thought as he noticed that Harry was forcefully dragging Niall along towards their bunk.   
  
“Everyone want’s to fuck me, sweetcheeks!” He shouted towards them, instead.   
  
“So what are your plans for the evening, gentlemen? Cuddling, watching a movie maybe?” Louis teased the other mated couple in the sofa.   
  
Liam growled slightly, aggravated that a _beta_ would tell him what to do. Louis instinct told him to whimper and show his neck. He ignored it and ruffled Liam’s hair, “I’m going to the kitchen and getting shit wasted. Feel free to join me.”   
  
God, he wanted to sleep, but he really couldn’t handle hearing Niall getting pounded into the sheets besides him. So, he turned to his next option: alcohol.    
  


* * *

  
It was after another amazing show, all boys have been pushed together in the van. Niall was peacefully resting in Harry’s lap, said Alpha whispering about how good he was. Zayn and Liam were in the same position besides him.   
  
Louis rolled his eyes, ignoring his inner omegas cries for the same affection. “So tonight was awesome, eh?” He asked. They all ignored him.   
  
“Try to lighten up the mood will ya’! It’s only midnight, what kind of music do you feel for?” He asked as he opened up his spotify playlists.   
  
Liam glared at him, “Louis shut up, Zayn and Niall is about to fall asleep.” The alpha cuddled his omega, brushing his hair mindlessly.   
  
Harry sighed as he had a hold of a sleeping Niall, “Don’t disturb them. The omegas needs at least eight hours of sleep, how haven’t you gotten this yet?” Harry stroked Niall’s face as he continued in a low tone, “You’re a fucking beta, don’t disturb the omegas. Fuck, how are we even putting up with you?”    
  
Liam, who usually didn’t voice his thoughts about betas, nodded at Harry’s words. “Louis, I know you can’t understand our relationship; but please don’t put on any music. You know how hard it is for them to fall asleep.”   
  
Louis closed his spotify and let their words get to him, how many times haven’t they said that to him before. No matter how much hate they displayed to him, it would never get even close to his own level of self hatred.   
  


* * *

  
_ Dear diary, I don't even know what to say anymore, fuck. Should I talk about the first time I took e, the first time I got raped, the first time I fainted? You already know most of my story, the only one that listens to me.   
  
I think I just want someone to be there for me. Maybe.   
_   


* * *

  
  
The thing is, he wished for this life, so he is the one to blame. He wanted the famous, rich, glorious life. He wanted to entertain others, wanted to become successful.   
  
In past tense. Sure, it’s better than being home with his lovely father and darling siblings -- but, but he never knew just how complex and fucked celebrity life really was. He’s a pawn in a game by Syco, they all are.   
  
They are all fucking pawns that makes cash with no free will, accidentally selling it away when they forgotten to read the fine print.    
  
Louis understood too late what the actual meaning of giving up free will was: the use of his name.    
  
The name Louis Tomlinson held no value to him anymore, he was no one, he was used.   
  
One could argue, they weren't humans no more, they were animals with no sense of morals and will.   
  
But to stay at home was such a horrid option that he even considered this to be paradise. To whore his name out was a god damn ecstasy in contrast to actually being a whore, slut, as he so lovely calles him as he fucked him against his will.   
  
Ah, yes, he’s in paradise. He’s in the best of all worlds, as Candide said.   
  


* * *

  
Zayn have been growing worried about Louis behaviour lately. He might have dropped out of school early on, but he still had two semesters of psychology.   
  
And he couldn't say Louis had an eating disorder, no one ever complained about that, but he did jump over food multiple times. If he remembers correct it means that the person in question did not find any joy in living, also known as stop eating. The person would not see a reason in eating, as there was no reason in living.   
  
And Zayn saw that in Louis. Louis eyes have been wronged for years, dark with no light. Lately Louis have been skipping meals altogether. But whenever he would voice his concern, Liam would be there to tone it down, "Babe, Louis is the oldest of us all, he knows how to handle himself. Bet he ate at the studio before".   
  
Zayn' concerns would grow away as his alpha's knot filled him up, making him only remembering moans and Liam's name.   
  


* * *

  
_ Dear diary, the drugs aren't fixing me anymore. I came to term long ago with my non existing tasting buds, hell, I came in term that my mouth sometimes let outs my thoughts.   
  
But my intoxicated state aren't fixing it - no matter how many drugs I take I still feel the pain and loneliness. I can't get my high anymore, not the nice post-orgasminc state of shaking, not the feeling of loveliness.   
  
Dear diary, I have nothing to write. None of the boys will answer my text, talk to me. The tour is still ongoing, yet the only time we communicate is on the show. I'm non exciting, I'm a ghost, I'm nothing.   
  
I’m nothing. I’m a wraith.   
_   


* * *

 

Niall was the one to find his diary, tucked down tightly between some drugs and vodka in his bag.   
  
The blond frowned, "Oi, think I found Louis diary!" He shouted to the other boys, waving it in the air for extra effect.   
  
"What were you even doing in his bag?" Liam asked from his bunk.   
  
"Looking for my shirt, crazy mofos, seen it?" He asked them as he went over to Harry's bunk.   
  
"Why the fuck would it have been in Louis bag?" Zayn snorted into Liam's chest where he laid at rest.   
  
Harry took the diary from Niall as the blond cuddled into his chest. "Where's Louis?" He asked as he tried random combinations to get it to open.   
  
"Outside, taking a joint. He'll prob lay on the roof for an hour before coming down." Zayn answered, snuggling closer to Liam.   
  
"Glad you said no this time, babe," Liam kissed Zayn's forehead, "I never want you to become like him."   
  
Zayn was about to inject as Harry grew frustrated and flipped the diary into the air, "God, I can't crack his code," he growled aggravated.   
  
"Try his birthday, that's a classic!" Niall said, at the same time as Zayn, "I don't think we should read his personal stuff."   
  
Liam kissed his nose this time, "Darling, he probably wrote and rated different drugs in it." He laughed.   
  
"Aha! Got it. You're so smart, love." Harry kissed Niall, a slow sensual kiss; tracing his tongue over his lips before sucking slightly at his bottom lip.   
  
"Oi, we're still here!" Liam said towards the mates, protecting Zayn with his head towards his chest.   
  
Zayn giggled, "What does it say then, which drug is the best?" He teased Liam, tracing his muscles with his index finger.   
  
Harry opened the first page, reading out loud. _“So, I bought this vintage looking old journal at the thrift shop last night with Justin. Apparently, it isn’t colorful snakeskin so yeah, the acid totally lied. Wouldn’t have been the first time, ain’t that right? So yeah, I thought about what to write -Justin made me buy three different fucking feather pens why would I need that- and I thought ‘fuck it, let’s start a biograph’. Dunno what to call it tho, Drugs And It’s Bi-affects; Me, Myself and Drugs, or just Louis Tomlinson autobiography. But I hav-”_   
  
Louis entered the room and saw Harry holding his diary. He threw himself at the alpha, ripping the diary from his hand. “What the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing? Going through my personal space?”   
  
Zayn looked a little bit guilty, but the others only laughed. “Please, we just want to know how you rated your drugs, c’mon tell us which one is the best.” Niall teased.   
  
Louis let out a sigh of relief, glad they only had read the first paragraph.    
  
He shook his head, putting his nose into the air, “ _Please_ , this is my life works, this is the ultimate guide to my drugs. It will sell in millions after I’ve finished rating all the shit I can get my hands on, no one can read it before I’ve finished it.” He joked.    
  
Harry shook his head, “You god-damn drug addict.”    
  
Louis smiled, “You know it, babe.”   
  
It felt good to joke and tease with his band mates once again.   
  


* * *

_   
Dear diary, the other found you earlier today. They read the first paragraph, thinking you were about drugs. I have never been more eager to settle myself down as an drug addicting fucked up, rather than have they read my darkest secret.   
_   


* * *

 

Louis was spiraling downwards, fast, faster than the speed of light (hah, Queens, don’t stop me now, marvelous joke! He should share it with the other boys. Get it? ‘cause ain’t nothing stopping him from destroying himself) and there was no one to catch him, no one to stop him (another lyrics joke, he should become a fucking comedian).   
  
He was on top of the world, drinking belly shots out of Miley Cyrus navel; fucking with Ed Sheeran.    
  
Nothing could stop him.   
  
It’s two o’clock in the afternoon, yet he’s already wasted. He was alone on Bus 1. Usually, one of the couple would join him for some free high quality porn, but this time they all had oped for the second bus.    
  
How boring.   
  
But, on the brighter side (brighty bright light which was calling him) he was alone and could do anything. He hated to be alone, hated being the only one thinking. No one to bother; no one to talk to. No one. Nothing. No sound except the bus engine.    
  
How boring. How dreadfully boring. So he got drunk, in company with his own happy thoughts of better times. Like the x-factor where they all decided to stay friends forever whether they made it or not.   
  
And the wii-nights, where’d they played ssbb and mario kart, fighting for the first place. He missed it. He missed his boys. He was the oldest, but he felt so small -so beneath them when they talked.   
  
He knew why, a beta could never understand their relationship. Would never fit in.   
  
Louis giggled again. It’s still two p.m., and he’s wasted. He swallowed his suppressing pill with another large gulp of Malibu, then took another line of coke. That will make him focus on the shitty reality show. Focusing on anything except his own damn thought.   
  


* * *

  
“Oi, you hungry Tommo?” Niall asked.   
  
“Hmm?” He wondered. His stomach growled loudly. Oh yeah, he guess he was hungry. When was the last time he ate? Two days ago? His cigarette and alcohol gave him all the calories he needed.   
  
From Niall’s distressed look he guessed he said that out loud.   
  
“Could kill for some Big Mac right now!” He joked with the blond, “With you I’ll guess it will be three?” He continued to tease.   
  
“Yeah, yeah, continue to make fun of ‘Niall Horan eats everything’,” He rolled his eyes. Harry growled. Louis laughed. Fuck, he was higher than out of space right now. They were inside the studio, taking a break from recording, but _fuck_ he swears he could feel the space. Feeling stars exploding under his hands.   
  
He giggled as he lifted his hands up high, trying to catch a mini galaxy in his hands. It was so bright, the stars, _oh all these dying exploding stars_ shining brightly for him.   
  
“Louis!” Harry barked, breaking his trance.   
  
“Hmm?” He asked again. He giggled, Harry looked stellar in all these blue-purple-white galaxy shining on him.   
  
“You alright?” Niall asked.   
  
“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” He grinned.   
  
“Just, we’ve been calling you for these last minute with no response.” He continued with a worried look.   
  
Louis smiled even larger, “No need to worry,” what were they talking about again? Aliens? The newest Marvel movie? Nordic mythology? Oh yes, food. “Let’s get a drive thru on the way home.”    
  
See, he totally nailed this conversation. He giggled. How pretty everything was.   
  
Niall and Harry shared a look.   
  


* * *

  
  
It's amazing, Louis have actually come to the point when facing an alpha that he naturally behaved like an beta, with the mindset of thinking about how to not behave like an omega.   
  
The last part of his omega self just disappeared. He's unsure if to laugh or cry.   
  
_'That's disgusting'_ Louis thought, said out loud from Liam’s looks.   
  
The alpha growled, "Then why are you here, interrupting our cuddle session?"   
  
_'Ohh look he goes all big bad alpha just because I entered the room',_ Louis said again as he rolled his eyes. They widen after he realised I said that out loud.   
  
"Yes you did say that out loud?" Zayn said with an raised eyebrow.   
  
_'Fuck'_ Louis clapped a hand clapped over his mouth, _'which drug caused this?'_ He mumbled through his hands.   
  
"How high are you Loueh?" Zayn asked with a hint of worry in his voice.   
  
_'Omegas always worries don't they? fucking annoying,'_ Louis dialed eyes focused on Zayn, _'I need to get the fuck out before I say anything',_   
  
Louis left the room swiftly, a hand still over his mouth.   
  
Liam and Zayn looked at the closed door.   
  
"What the fuck was that? He's really messed up now days." Liam sighed.   
  
Zayn looked down, having heard the hatefulness in Louis voice before he left. "Do you think he hates me? Hates omegas?" Zayn sniffles into Liams chest. The omega usually didn't show his heart on the sleeve, but it hurt that his friend thought so little of omegas.   
  
Liam hugged Zayn tighter to his body, feeling his sadness. “No baby, Louis was just high or something. He could never hate you, you’re too precious to be hated.” He kissed his forehead, making a mental note to talk to Harry about Louis disrespect towards omegas.    
  


* * *

  
_ Dear diary, I’m such a fuck up. I can still remember the way me and Haz danced in the beginning of x-factor, I can still remember the way he looks at me so hateful nowadays.    
  
I remember all our fifa nights, how Niall almost beat me. I remember him ignoring me for his alpha. I remember smoking joints with Zayn, play fighting with Liam. Movie marathons with Harry, snow angels with Niall; fuck,  I remember all our good times.   
  
I remember how they ignore me now, how they turn their back. The unanswered phone calls and text, the never mentioning on twitter.    
  
Yet, I still can’t find myself to hate them for how they have left me. After all, a beta doesn’t fit into a group of alpha’s and omega’s. I should have foreseen this. But a part of me had still hoped we would have continued to be friends after their mating - I wanted to come out to them, to tell them the truth.   
  
Funny enough, they will know the truth. They will know the truth at the same time as the whole world knows. _   
  


* * *

  
  
“Well fuck if I know, Harry, but you should have heard his tone. It was a tone of hateful and dismission, basically spitting on the omega sex.” Liam growled to Harry. They were sitting in Harry’s suit, having left their omegas to sleep in Liam’s room.    
  
Harry shook his head, “Louis have been all kind of messed up lately, but he hasn't really shown any disrespect to omegas before.”    
  
“Yeah, but he is an beta. Beta’s have never understood the bond between alpha’s and omega’s, maybe he have hidden his distaste for us all this time?” Liam continued.   
  
Harry drank his whisky slowly from his position on the couch, thinking about Lous behavior the latest years. “Well, it is quite usual for beta’s to have distaste towards us, always thinking they are better when they aren’t. Louis have never been a good beta, always disrespecting us alphas, and if you’re right, hating our omegas.”   
  
Liam shook his head again, unsure what to think. He sighed again, “I’m okay that he doesn't give us alpha’s the respect we deserve, but the fact that he used such a hateful tone to my omega,” Liam stopped himself, growling.   
  
Harry mimicked the growl, “He haven’t been around much this year, haven’t he? Do you think it could have been because of Niall and Zayn?” He asked in disbelief.    
  
They both sat quietly in the couch, drinking their whisky slowly and letting their thoughts wander.   
  
“We should talk to him.” Harry said as he rose from the leather seat, tripping on his own feet after all whiskey, Liam following him to the door with a nod.   
  


* * *

  
The Alpha’s got Louis room key from Paul, who was eyeing them with uncertainty. “He should be in, but I’m not sure.” They nodded and thanked him before making their way into Louis suite.   
  
“Louis?” Harry called as they entered.    
  
“He isn’t here?” Liam asked as they went into the bedroom, finding nothing. They heard a groan from the bathroom.   
  
The alphas made their way to the sound, finding Louis laying wet in the big jacuzzi with his clothes on, a bottle of bacardi in his left hand and a fag in his right.   
  
Liam observed his body, it was almost skin and bones. His white tee hang closely to his body, and he could almost count his ribs. He shook his head, that wasn’t why they were here, that’s a discussion for another time.   
  
Louis was singing away in a false drunk tone, completely missing the alpha’s in his bathroom. _“But even in longing, I still feel the pronging of misery's poisonous claws, when in your perfection I catch my reflection and in it my numerous flaws.”_ Louis smoked again, smiling to himself, _“-don't let those wicked thoughts tear us apart. You're brave and you're strong, I am timid and wrong, you're a diamond and I am but coal.  You're the moon and the stars, I am ashes and tar, you're a nightingale I a-”_ _   
_   
“Louis.” Harry growled, his inner alpha displeased of being ignored. The beta lifted his head and shot them a lazy drunken smile. He waved slowly to them, spilling bacardi all over himself.    
  
He laughed softly, head falling tiredly back to the bathtubs edge. “Hello, pups.” He smiled a open mouthed smile, eyes unfocusing on their shapes. Louis giggled.   
  
"Get the fuck out the bathtub, we need to talk." Liam said.   
  
Louis looked at them confused, taking another sip of his bacardi. "Why can't we talk in here?"   
  
Liam looked at Harry who shook his head, "Fine."    
  
"Louis, what's your problem with omegas?" Harry asked right on point.   
  
He coughed, spluttering his drink everywhere. "I- Wha- Why? Could you repeat the question."   
  
"What's your problems with our omegas?" Liam asked annoyed.   
  
"I don't have any problems with Niall or Zayn?" Louis asked confused, his eyes was still unfocused even though he tried to look at the two Alphas.   
  
"Then why did you speak so hatefully towards Zayn the other day?" Liam growled.   
  
Louis looked speechless then he started to laugh, that manic crazy laughing of giving up. His head fell back once again on the bathtub, looking at them with tired, sober eyes. "You're wrong. I don't have any problems with them. I like them."    
  
Harry rolled his eyes, "Then why aren't you spending any time with them?"   
  
Louis wasn't sure what to do -- laugh, cry, but he just settled for an apathetic look. "Are you serious?"    
  
“I am.” Harry said with a tone that left out little, his lip forming a harsh line.   
  
Louis rolled his eyes this time, “Please, how could I not love them? The way they just obey everything you say, do anything you want them to do. Small and cute omegas, they are, fragile like porcelain dolls. Say, when was the last time you let them out of your sight?” He giggled, he wasn’t entirely sure why he was laughing, it wasn't even funny.    
  
Harry took a threatening step forward, “You know Louis, I thought better of you, but in the end you’re just some omegaphobic cunt.” Harry stood beside the jacuzzi now, looking down at Louis with dark eyes.   
  
Louis laughed again.   
  
Harry threw a punch, hitting him square in the face. The alpha lifted him up by his collar to his eyelevel. “Nothing to say?” He spat in his bloodied face.   
  
Louis grinned, eyes hazy and dialed once again. “I like them.”    
  
It was the wrong thing to say as Harry’s nostrils flared and he punched him in the gut. Louis let out a shocked gasp as he fell down in the bathtub again.    
  
“Don’t come close to Zayn or Niall again, you fucking say anything to them again and it won’t only be Harry to throw a punch.” Liam said as he led Harry out of the bathroom.    
  
Louis sat in the bathtub, his ribs hurting and blood flowing from his nose. His body was so frail nowadays, he was sure Harry had broken some ribs.    
  
The omega didn’t say or do anything. No sobs or giggles escaped him. He was just so tired, exhausting filling every bone. He could feel the last of his resistence leave him. He could feel it, he knew that if he fell asleep now he wouldn’t wake up.    
  
But a part of him wanted to stay awake, to say a last goodbye to… He couldn’t call them friends, but he owed them a goodbye.   
  
So he laid down again, taking another sip from his high procented beverage and sang, he had to stay awake, to null the pain.   
_   
_ _“you're losing your mind and you're out of control. Well, this is my curse and it keeps getting worse as I can't hold these bad thoughts at bay. So I'll whine and I'll moan and I'll cry on the phone 'till I finally drive you away._ ” He started up into the roof, a broken tired sigh escaping him.   


* * *

  
Louis looked like shit, he knew that. He had forced himself to stay awake to whole night. Dark circles under his eyes, blood shot eyes. His headache was worse than red wine hangover, his ribs was bruised and broken.    
  
His nose had stopped bleeding, but it was still crooked from the alpha’s right hooker, a beautiful blue and purple covering his left cheek.    
  
His hair was worse than usual, spilled alcohol and burned from his lighter.    
  
This was it.   
  
He packed his things with much effort, his body screaming in pain with every movement he made. His old sweatpants almost fell down from his thin hips, his hoodie covering his whole face.   
  
Paul waited outside his door, and didn't question why he faced down. He just thought he was dealing with a grumpy hungover louis who was a sarcastic little shit. Paul sighted, this ride would be a bitch and he could already feel his headache coming.   
  
“You ready? We’ll ride the bus for about three hours before we reach the arena you’ll play in.” Paul said.   
  
“Mmm.” Louis nodded softly, walking slowly. Everything hurt.   
  
Paul shook his head at his response.    
  
Louis climbed on to the tourbus, his tiredness was overwhelming. His time is up, he only have some precious sand corns left in his hourglass.   
  
“Hello my lovely bandmates! Your humble beta have arrived!” Louis shouted cheekily as he entered. The four boys was laying in the big couch, cuddling each other. Louis didn’t even feel jealous anymore, he just felt tired.    
  
“Sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky; a beautiful day today, eh?” _a beautiful day to die_ , Louis smiled. His hoodie was up, creating a shadow over his bruised face. It hurted to smile.   
  
Niall grumped, “Louis please shut up.”   
  
Zayn joined him, “I’m tired.” He snuggled closer to the alphas and omega.    
  
“Didn’t get any sleep? Was up all night with your dashing alphas?” Louis teased, he felt blood dripping down his mouth, his legs felt like jello. _You can do it, only five more minutes_.   
  
“Shut up.” Harry said with his alpha voice, glared at him as he cuddled his omega.   
  
Louis went to the bunks, looking at his four band mates. They ignored his present, none of them even looked at him. Not even Zayn, who was so interested in him some months ago. He really fucked that one up, the drugs have fucked everything up for him.   
  
“Goodbye, then.” Louis said softly. None of the boys said anything.   
  
He went to the bunk beds, choosing the closest one. He pulled the curtains, leaving him in darkness.    
  
He laid down, covering himself in his blanket. Every movement he made hurt.   
  
He closed his eyes.   
  
He fell asleep.   
  
  
  



	2. let the chemicals burn through

The had spend two hours on the bus before Niall grew bored, “Anyone wanna play some fifa?”    
  
“Nah baby, you always beat me.” Harry said as he kissed his head fondly.    
  
Liam and Zayn had already placed themselves lazily in the couch, cuddling together.   
  
“Hmm? Isn’t that Louis diary?” Niall asked, looking at the small journal peaking out of Louis duffle bag.   
  
“Hey, we shouldn’t go through his stuff,” Zayn said from underneath Liam’s arm.   
  
Niall scoffed, "Don’t you want to know of all the drugs Louis have taken and ranked?” He asked excited as he wiggled the book out from Louis belongings.   
  
It piped Zayn’s interest, “Well,” he begun, “I only know of the casual things like weed, shrooms, e, lsd you know? I wonder how many drug he have taken.”   
  
“Too many, probably.” Harry said as he sat down with Niall at the couch.   
  
“So, we were we? First page, eh?” He asked as he opened the book. Niall cuddled closer as he started to read out loud.   
_   
“So, I bought this vintage looking old journal at the thrift shop last night with Justin. Apparently, it isn’t colorful snakeskin so yeah, the acid totally lied. Wouldn’t have been the first time, ain’t that right? So yeah, I thought about what to write -Justin made me buy three different fucking feather pens why would I need that- and I thought ‘fuck it, let’s start a biograph’. Dunno what to call it tho, Drugs And It’s Bi-affects; Me, Myself and Drugs, or just Louis Tomlinson autobiography. But I have a good title;    
  
Who killed Louis Tomlinson.”   
_   
“Wait.” Niall said in a shaken voice. “This, this isn’t like an autobiography right?”   
  
“I think it it.” Liam said with indifference, “Continue, Harry.”   
_   
“I’ll be dead in some years, I know that, but who’s fault? Mine?, The suppressors?, All the other drugs?, The PR-team that made me this fucked up?, My Family?, Or all my friends that left me?” _   
  
"What the fuck is this?" Zayn asked, "Sure, we will all die, but in like 80 years. Why the fuck is he starting to write his biography now?" He asked rhetorically.   
  
"Maybe he wanted to trash talk us in it? Leave all dirty laundry out." Liam said harshly.   
  
"Well, it ain't about drugs for sure." Harry said as he continued to read.   
  
_ “Entry no. I   
  
When One Direction started, no one knew how big we would become. Sure, we had the looks and adequate voices, but everything is about marketing. And everyone knows what teenage girls -omegas, most of them- wants, the bad boy rich type or whatever. So here’s the start where I, Louis Tomlinson, accidentally fucked up and sold my soul.   
  
Well, not literally but what else can you call a contract that decide everything for you; how to look, act, and all that. I can tell you all about those fucking contracts, this journal will be out when I’m dead.” _   
  
"Told you he's writing a biography." Liam muttered before Harry continued to read.   
  
_ “Being the only “beta” on this fucking boy band I of course got the shittiest deal. Fuck the other guys with their “cute” Alpha/omega relationship that doesn’t sell with the media.   
  
Fuck it all.” _   
  
Harry frowned, "He had put those cute bunny ears on the word beta and cute."   
  
"That's what you're focusing on? He basically said our relationship is shit and don't sell." Niall huffed out as he snuggled closer to his Alpha.   
  
Harry tightened his grip, "No, love, One Direction is so successful because of our adorable relationship." He kissed him on top of his head.   
  
Liam made Zayn look him in the eyes with his hand on his jaw. "Don't listen to what Louis write. It's bullshit, everyone loves you baby." He kissed him deeply.   
_   
“So, journal huh. Haven’t written in you for ages. So how’s life? Good, good, sounds interesting. Fucking hell I’m embarrassing myself ain’t I? Well let’s talk about something good instead! I actually think Niall talked to me today, he was alone -meaning without Harry- but of-fuckingcourse he left me the minute Harry came into the room. Still, it’s something??” _   
  
Harry growled, "Fuck he means by that?" Before continuing.   
_   
“I remember how good mates we were back then, during the x-factor and at the start. Everything changed when omega Niall and Zayn found their mates in alpha Harry and Liam. And then there’s me, the  _ beta. _ Hah, what a fucking joke.” _   
  
Harry barked a dry laugh, “Once again he indexed the beta word, damn he really does loves himself, huh?”   
  
“Narcissistic.” Zayn provided.   
  
_ “But bright side bright side thingys! I should be talking about, right. So we won some grammy, oscar, nobel? Dunno, that thing for music, last night.”    
_   
“What? He doesn’t know? That’s amazing, actually.” Liam said offended.   
  
Harry rolled his eyes, “At least he was attending.”   
  
_ “Might have went off backstage with Bieber and had some crystal. Always trust crystal, darling, it sounds so beautiful like diamonds and all that; but I still prefer my one and only queen, miss. Coke. A real deity to believe in, that one.”   
_   
“And, yup, we’re back on the drug tracks. Wouldn’t think any different of our lovely Tommo.” Liam chuckled without humor.   
  
“Didn’t he want to call it something with ‘all drugs’ and shit? Of course he would recommend cocaine and meth.” Zayn rolled his eyes.   
  
Niall frowned, “He haven’t mentioned meth, thought?” He asked innocently.   
  
Zayn chuckled slightly, “Crystal is often a nickname for it, babe.”   
  
“You know, as your Alpha I really should be worried how you know that.”   
  
Harry giggled, “Nah, everyone knows what he means. How pretty names he gives them doesn’t matter; what matter is that he’s constantly drunk or high, as stated by his diary.”   
_   
“Another good thing: I went on google last night, looking up who’s been alive the longest taking-” _   
  
Harry stopped himself as he read the next lines. His brown closed together as he read and re-read. “Liam, take Zayn and Niall somewhere where they can’t here. It’s sleep time for them.” He said.   
  
“No it’s not!” Niall said.   
  
“You can’t leave us hanging like this, continue to read.” Zayn whined.   
  
“Liam.” Harry said angrily with his alpha voice.    
  
Liam got up from the sofa but stopped when he saw both omega’s pleading eyes. “Harry, whatever he have written, Niall and Zayn can handle it. Continue.”    
  
“It’s only fair that we get to know. We’re mates.” Niall said to Harry and kissed him under the jaw, his sweet spot.   
  
“Plus, I want to know what new drug he have tested.” Zayn chuckled.   
  
Harry took a deep breath before reading out loud once again.   
  
_ “-suppresses. Turns out it’s only 9 years, so I should probably get a notice in Guinness world record ain’t that right?! Taking those lil’ pills since what, 13? Hah, good gateway drug. Got used to taking pills everyday. So what if alcohol and cocaine sneaked its way into my daily routine.” _   
  
Harry read the last of the entry. No one said anything.   
  
“Does…?” Zayn asked unsure.   
  
No one said anything, the only sound was the roaring motor and Louis peaceful sleeping.   
  
“Continue.” Niall said with an sorrowful face, nudging Harry.   
  
_ “Entry no. VII   
  
It's funny, actually, how being raped -I can't believe I wrote that, I have never said that word out loud- can do two things to you; shun every man away or get overy sexuall.   
  
I'm not actually sure what happened (maybe I enjoyed it) but I didn't hate the male specimen. God, sounds like I'm writing some fucking scientific report. But no, I didn't feel dirty, or loved; I didn't feel anything at all. Pa went to my room some days (everyday) in the week.   
  
Guess I'm one of them over sexuell? Wanting to feel love through sexuall contact and all that shit. Guess this diary became my fucking well needed psychopath, hah ! And it’s fucking pathetic ‘cause I write in this journal as I just got home from David, gettin’ fucked into the mattress by another  _ beta. _ ” _   
  
Harry read the whole entry with no disturbance from the others. He cleared his throat, “He once again indexed the word beta.”   
  
“So, he’s really?” Niall asked unsure.   
  
“Raped. Of all things. By his father.” Zayn said with disgust. He whimpered slightly, imagining if he himself had gone through that. He wouldn’t have handle it.   
  
“He said he deserved it? No one does.” Niall said, tears forming in his eyes.   
  
“Well, there never was anyone to tell him otherwise, wasn’t it? Fuck, he have gone through this for four years without telling us.” Zayn moved out of Liam’s grip to hug Niall.    
  
Liam looked at Harry. “They wanted to know.” Harry said as he meet his gaze. He looked towards the omegas, “Do you want to listen to the rest? Or should me and Liam leave?” He asked them softly.   
  
Zayn nodded, Niall too after his tears had dried, “We need to know the truth.”   
  
_ “Entry. XXX fuck thirty? forty? I’m too drunk for this.   
  
Day, night whatever the fuck.   
  
So I have no control over my mouth. Fuckin' fantastic. First my sense of smell went to Hell, and now my mouth.”   
_   
“Well, that would explain some of the weird shit he said to Zayn” Liam muttered. Harry nodded, “Yes, sometime it was like he had no control of what he was saying. It was weird.”   
  
_ “Oh diary, you're the only one that knows me.   
  
I should probably start writing in you more, but you know, life. I think the fucking PR team is displeased with me, but they are kind of the fucking reason I am like this?   
  
Pathetic, don't know how to be without the drugs and alcohol. Or sexuall contact. I have long ago forgotten how it is to behave like a omega, to want to get cuddle or some shit.   
  
I always, automatically, do everything against my body wishes.   
  
Every reaction you have is learned, build up, trained. How damn easy it is to train those ‘instinct’ away. I don’t follow their alpha voice automatic, im stubborn, yet show respect; i’m a fucking perfect trained beta.” _   
  
Zayn started to sob at this, he couldn’t even imagine to go against his own body. “Fuck, how?” he asked, “How does he continue to deny his own body?”   
  
Harry shook his head, knowing how hard it was to go against his possessive side as an alpha. “I do not know.” He said softly before continuing to read.    
_   
“Dear diary. I have given up on numbering all these entries, they are just random shit I write down.   
  
Starting to lose my sense of pain. Burned my whole hand on the stove (accidently put my hand on it, I’m not sure what happened.), but I didn’t feel the burning.  Niall was the one to notice. Liam and Harry didn’t even look up from the TV.” _   
  
“I remember that,” Niall said from Zayn’s chest. “He was so indifferent, apathetic to it I thought he was high or something. _Fuck,_ he really didn’t feel it. Wonder what would have happened if I didn’t notice.”   
  
Liam and Harry looked down in shame. They were Alpha’s, they were meant to take care of everyone in their pack, but, God, how they have failed Louis.   
  
_ “Dear Diary.   
  
Everything hurts, my whole body is screaming in agony. I want to take the next train far away, stop this damn circle of suppressors and self hatred.    
  
I might not even make it to the train station, maybe I’ll jump in to the train at a desert place in hopes of leaving.   
  
As Voltaire said, we’re truly living in the perfect of any worlds.   
  
Dear diary, I woke up today without seeing anything. My eyes didn't seem to record anything, like an old broken recorder. After some minutes I could see again, waking up in the bathtub again with an empty tequila besides me.   
  
I don't think I have any time left. My life is running away from me, yet standing still. I'm still the same scared omega who can't face the reality; who ignores my whole nature. The time is ticking away on the clock, the sand corn are few left in my hourglass.   
  
My time is soon up.” _   
  
“Louis wrote this, as an biography right?” Liam said at last. “He’s talking about supressor and Guinness World Record; about being raped and how we shun him. Fuck, Harry, how have we never notice he was an omega before?”   
  
Harry shook his head, refusing to believe in it. Zayn and Niall seemed to share his belief as they hugged each other closer, “This can’t be real, It’s impossible to hide one's true nature.” Zayn muttered.   
  
“Didn’t he say he had only had one heat, and thirteen years of pills? His body must be mental.” Niall said.   
  
Liam nodded, “If what he’s writing is real, well - his body must be crazy. He writes about all his senses disappearing. That isn’t healthy.”   
  
“Harry, is it anything more written in it?” Niall asked timid as he crawled closer to his Alpha, who could feel his upset state. He kissed him tenderly.   
  
_ "Dear diary, I’m not even going to pretend to write the entry's number anymore. How long has it been since I last wrote in you? Half a year, a year? We are starting our fourth tour tomorrow. I haven’t been in contact with any of the boys on our freetime. Zayn have tried to get us together, smoking a joint in my house, but something have always come up last minute (always something with Liam)." _   
  
Zayn cut him off, "Fuck, we really didn't spend any time with him during the break?"   
  
Niall nodded slowly, "I didn't even noticed. The breaks were half for our heats and ruts, and he was alway out partying."   
  
Harry kissed him once again, smelling his distress, "No one us noticed, it's not your fault."   
  
"While we was spending days in heat or rut, he was ignoring his nature and getting high or drunk." Zayn said, looking at his knees, "How could he stand ignoring his nature?"   
  
Liam cuddled him, kissing him; telling him how nothing was his fault.   
  
_ "OTRA will be a new start, I hope. The reason why I haven’t been writing is simply because I’ve been busy. Not fucking some random whore PR have given me, no, I have actually been busy with work. I basically wrote the whole album four by myself. Liam pitched in here and there, but I wrote it. It makes me feel a lot better about myself, you know?" _   
  
"See, baby. He was busy that's why." Liam said kissing Zayn, "He really wrote the whole album by himself so he didn't have time to be with us." Liam said softly to calm the distressed omegas. Both Alphas spend a lot of time to calm them down, whispering sweet nothing in their ears.   
  
"You're sure you want to hear the rest? It's okay if you go to sleep in the bunks like Louis." Harry said towards the two omegas.   
  
Everyone winced at Louis name. "No, we want to hear." Zayn said with harden eyes.   
  
_ "Though, it hurts quite bad that management gave all choros to Harry or Liam. Zayn still takes all the high notes, Niall plays the guitar.   
  
No one will recognize that I had written basically everything, no they will criticize me for not having a good singing voice (even though they gave me the bad parts intentionally).    
  
It will create headlines. Like all my twitter fights do, like my whole twitter account isn’t used for drama. Like everything I do isn’t done for marketing   
  
After this tour it will all be over. The signs we signed at Modest will be done, and I may be able to get away from the ‘womanizer’ trap I was caught in." _   
  
"He never really had control of his social medias, huh..." Liam said, thinking of all the shit they had put him through because of it.   
  
They all shared the thought, and Zayn said what they all was thinking "I always thought it was because he was a beta."   
  
The word beta left a bitter taste on his mouth, somehow.   
  
"It really wasn't that obvious that he was a omega," Niall said as he slid out of Harry's grip to hug his fellow distraught omega, "Hell, before our second gender was official most of our fans though Louis was an Alpha."   
  
Harry chuckled dryly, "Good old times, huh." Before reading out loud once again.   
_   
"I can, when it is over, come out as an omega. But I really can’t, it’s too much riding on my name; and I can’t face my “father’s” wrath again. I can’t. I refuse.   
  
I’m so fucked up, I wish I could end it all soon, when the contract ends and we sign a new. But I can and that’s so fucking laughable. But, oh dear diary, you know as well as I know that my time is counted. " _   
  
No one said anything. Harry continued to read.   
  
_ "Hey, diary. entry no.fuck-if-i-know.    
  
Fuck everything. Fuck everything. Omega body, suppressor pills, I’ll write a cover about my past; everyone will know the truth (it won’t go through, no one will know).   
  
Dear diary, would anyone even miss me when I’m gone?   
  
Dear diary, I talked to Niall today. He's fucking clueless about everything, it's adorable. He is a damn retard, he's so fucking  god damn innocent. I want to be in his position, I want that innocent the fans loves.   
  
I don't want this broken used body, I don't want the girl, I didn't want my pa.   
  
I hate myself so fucking much, God, why did you make these omega, alpha, beta bodies? Why did you create a sex that would be discriminated? Niall and Zayn are so fucking lucky, they are riding on a fucking rainbow. They will never know the pain of being an omega; they will never knows how much it hurts both physically and mentally whenever they go against an alpha, to deny your owns body’s nature.   
  
I 'm not sure how long I can handle it.” _   
  
"I feel like I should be offended, but I just can't" Niall said.   
  
Zayn nodded.   
  
_ "Dear diary, entry no. whatever I still haven’t counted.   
  
I think it’s time to take up on the title of it: Who killed Louis Tomlinson?   
  
_ _As you have read through my story, you might think you know me --that is wrong. No one knows me. I would have said Lottie, my sister, would have been the closest, but since I presented as an omega I haven’t shared anything with her, then x-factor came along.”_   
  
"That's quite sad," Zayn said, "His family is way too fucked up than they show."   
  
Liam hugged him closer, "If only we knew."   
  
_ "The second person I would have said knew me the best; knew all my small tics, like the way I’ll push my hands into a fist when i’m aggravated, or the way I bit my lip when I’m nervous, would have been Harry." _   
  
Harry paused in the reading. No one said anything. He continued.   
  
_ "Harry Styles, my band mate of soon five years. Still, the last two he have not acknowledge me once except that drunken call at five a.m. at my legendary party (I still don’t know why neither of the four showed up, even though I had told them weeks before).    
  
I guess harryandlouis stopped when he found out that Niall presented (a late bloomer), and mated him within his first heat.   
  
It’s of course irrelevant on the subject of who killed me. In the present time I would say the suppressors, it’s bi-effect are growing worse, and killing me.   
  
But, I don’t think I can handle this life any more, any longer. Who killed Louis Tomlinson? If this is my last entry, it would be stated: me."   
_   
They urged Harry to read on. No one was commenting anymore.   
  
_ "Dear diary, I don't even know what to say anymore, fuck. Should I talk about the first time I took e, the first time I got raped, the first time I fainted? You already know most of my story, the only one that listens to me.   
  
I think I just want someone to be there for me. Maybe.   
  
Dear diary, the drugs aren't fixing me anymore. I came to term long ago with my non existing tasting buds, hell, I came in term that my mouth sometimes let outs my thoughts.   
  
But my intoxicated state aren't fixing it - no matter how many drugs I take I still feel the pain and loneliness. I can't get my high anymore, not the nice post-orgasminc state of shaking, not the feeling of loveliness.   
  
Dear diary, I have nothing to write. None of the boys will answer my text, talk to me. The tour is still ongoing, yet the only time we communicate is on the show. I'm non exciting, I'm a ghost, I'm nothing.   
  
I’m nothing. I’m a wraith."   
_   
They kept quiet.   
  
_ "Dear diary, the other found you earlier today. They read the first paragraph, thinking you were about drugs. I have never been more eager to settle myself down as an drug addicting fucked up, rather than have they read my darkest secret." _   
  
Niall choked on nothing, "Do you all remember that time..?" He whispered.   
  
The other nodded, another quietness settled over the living room. Louis snoring in the bunks some meter's from them; and they all wondered if they could have fixed him earlier.   
  
_ “Dear diary, I’m such a fuck up. I can still remember the way me and Haz danced in the beginning of x-factor, I can still remember the way he looks at me so hateful nowadays.    
  
I remember all our fifa nights, how Niall almost beat me. I remember him ignoring me for his alpha. I remember smoking joints with Zayn, play fighting with Liam. Movie marathons with Harry, snow angels with Niall; fuck,  I remember all our good times.   
  
I remember how they ignore me now, how they turn their back. The unanswered phone calls and text, the never mentioning on twitter.    
  
Yet, I still can’t find myself to hate them for how they have left me. After all, a beta doesn’t fit into a group of alpha’s and omega’s. I should have foreseen this. But a part of me had still hoped we would have continued to be friends after their mating - I wanted to come out to them, to tell them the truth.   
  
Funny enough, they will know the truth. They will know the truth at the same time as the whole world knows.” _   
  
“This… I have no words. I never really thought we ignored him you know? Fuck, he have been alone for so long.” Zayn said.   
  
Liam hugged him closer.   
  
_ “Dear diary, this will be my last entry. I can’t write more, I have written down these latest days, I have written down all my thoughts.   
  
When you are published, the whole world will see the dysfunctional relationship of One Direction; my fucked up family.   
  
And I will be written down in Guinness World record for the omega who lived the longest on suppressors.    
  
Don’t let other omega’s come into my situation. And, if you are an omega on suppressor: here’s your handbook, your personal guide to hell.   
  
First you will feel normal, but then the soft irritating pain will come. It’s easy to ignore, it’s just your organs failing you; your body's own rebellion that you’re ignoring your basic needs. It will grow stronger, it’s easier to handle with drugs and alcohol. Or some other things to numb yourself with.   
  
Find a hobby, something to occupy your mind. Go partying, break hearts, fuck around, be around. Don’t sleep too long, God knows how easy it is to leave everything when you’re dreaming. The dark circles under your eyes will be easy to cover up with concealer, but it’s a small price to pay to be alive.   
  
After years, you body will start to shut down. Your taste buds will be gone, the food you eat is just disgusting; you won’t even feel the burning from jägermeister.    
  
Your hearing will fail, learn how to read lips early on is my advice. You never forget how to talk, but some days you might not hear what everyone else is saying to you, neither what you yourself is saying.   
  
The feeling of pain will subdue, you might find bruises on your body, burn marks with no idea how they came. Just treat the wounds.   
  
You memories is chaos - don’t freak out if you can’t remember plans you made. Your brain simply didn’t register it. Write down everything, all small details are important.   
  
Everything will fail you at the end. You can’t stomach food, you’re always in pain. Headache is constant, you mouth will tell you thoughts.   
  
You are no longer in control of your own body.   
  
And that’s when, dear, you will understand why I don’t recommend sleeping. Say your last goodbye, you won’t exist for much longer.” _   
  
“That... That was the last entry.” Harry said with an indifferent voice.   
  
The boys were quiet as they had read his journal. No one knowing what to say.   
  
“What to say.” Harry voiced their thoughts.   
  
“That he’s an omega was quite the shock for me.” Liam said, “Fuck, he needs to get of those pill’s _now_.”    
  
“That he got fucking raped? That he can’t feel shit, he can’t taste, he can’t hear, he can’t fucking think without saying it out loud?” Niall said harshly.   
  
“I still can’t believe it, how could he have hide it from us for so long. Better yet, how didn’t we notice it?” Zayn asked.   
  
“I… I don’t know.” Harry said at last.   
  
They all stayed quiet for hours, thinking, progressing all this information.   
  
“Hey, that’s Louis.” Niall said as they heard someone cough. They stilled, Harry runned to place the diary back where it belonged.   
  
“I guess he fell asleep.” Liam muttered.   
  
Harry sniffed the air, “Hey, you smell that?” He asked Liam alarmed. Alpha’s have always had superior senses, and right know it was a small stench of iron in the air.   
  
Liam caught it, mirroring Harry’s expression.    
  
They run to Louis bunk, watching him coughing up blood yet not waking up.   
  
Niall screamed. He still didn’t wake up.    
  
“Fucking hell, do something!” Zayn shouted, calling Paul and 911.    
  
“He’s still breathing faintly,” Liam said as he checked his pulse.   
  
He still wasn’t waking up.   
  


* * *

_   
_ _“One Direction will not perform today, We’re sorry for the inconvenience, but it’s best of you to go home.”_ The speaker said at the arena.   


* * *

  
  
Louis loved the feeling of getting drunk on an empty stomach. It was mesmerizing, it was like getting the munchies when high. The feeling of stomach burning and aching eating him up at the same time the soft feeling of not caring. He loved it. He craved it.   
  
He laid in his bunk, naked except his briefs. He traced his fingers over his rips, counting them slowly; then tracing his non existing stomach to his hip bone standing high proudly.   
  
This collar bones and hip bones was the most edgy and pointy thing about him. The fans loved it, loved it like they loves his insucucked cheekbones and non-existing ‘Tommo Tommy’.    
  
He loved it, he repeated again. He loved the feeling of soft hunger in the back of his mind. Remind him he’s alive between all these drugs and drinks lying to him.   
  
He breathed out harshly, coughing blood.   
  
He loved it, he told himself once again before embracing the darkness surrounding him.   
  
Dreaming about his childhood; those hateful eyes looking at him, his sisters blissfully unaware. The day he bought them a new house, the way they looked so happy; such a God damn fucking perfect family without him.   
  
He saw One Direction formed, how he had hoped for a new start. He dreamed of all these happy times.   
  
  


* * *

_   
“One Direction have paused their touring and were rushing towards the hospital, earlier in this evening,”  _ The gossiping news said, _ “They have gone out and said that they do not know when the tour will start again, and all tickets will be returned.”   
  
_ _“This does sound serious.”_ The other host said.   
_   
“Indeed, stay tuned for more updates here!” _   


* * *

  
  
“Fucking do something!” Harry screamed in his Alpha voice as they entered the emergency ward.   
  
“Sir, we’ll ask you and your friends to wait in a private waiting room while we take care of this.”   
  
“Don’t fucking talk to us like that, Louis is dying; you can’t make us wait outside!” Zayn shouted beside him. Paul and several security guards came and guided them to the waiting room.    
  
“Will he make it?” Liam asked one of the doctors hovering over Louis responseless body.   
  
“We can’t promise you anything yet.”   
  
Niall and Zayn broke down crying.   
  


* * *

  
Louis giggled, it was so many colors everywhere, mushrooms in pink and purple, he felt like Alice. He laughed when he walked through his wonderland of happy things.   
  
Liam and Zayn was guiding him to his tea party filled with promises of sweet liquor and nectar.    
  
He was seated on a throne looking like a death skull beside the Red Queen; looking grotesque with her red snake hair and eyes hanging out.    
  
“You are very pretty,” She said to him. Louis looked down at himself, naked and hands covering him everywhere.   
  
And eyes, all hands had a eyes on them with three pupil each. “You look gorgeous too,” He said to the grotesque queen, his snake tongue hissing with his words.   
  
He looked down from his throne on the man kneeling under them in a submissive pose. He giggled, “Off with his head!” The queen shouted. Or was it him? A axe came down from nowhere, beheading Mark. The blood splattered everywhere, dying everything in dark red.   
  
Louis clapped his hands, laughing maniacally. Everything changed once again, and he sat down beside Mad hatter, who looked like a twin of Harry.   
  
“What a marvelous tea,” The mad man said.   
  
“Taste like shit, indeed.” Louis nodded.   
  
“Off with his head!” The ugly queen screamed again from behind him. Or was it Harry?   
  
He felt his head separate from his body; he felt himself move away.   
  
Suddenly, he was sitting with Niall playing fifa, screaming to each other. “Nialler you dumb twat, fuck you and fuck your team!” He heard himself shout as he let in a goal.   
  
“Cunt, you’ll never beat me!” He laughed back.   
  
“We’ll see about that,” Louis said as he threw himself on top of him, wrestlin off the sofa.   
  
The scene changed again, he was with Harry, dancing in the bungalow.   
  
Again, making fun of Liam’s buzzcut,   
  
Smoking with Zayn,   
  
Partying with Justin,   
  
Partying alone,   
  
Bathtub,   
  
Screaming,   
  
“Am I dying?” he said and the words filled his mind in different fonts and colors. The scene changed again. Louis screamed.   
  
The memories repeated even faster.   
  


* * *

  
A doctor entered the waiting room, everyone's heads snapping up to look at him. They looked like shit, red rimmed eyes and dark circles under their eyes.   
  
“We are happy to say that Mr. Tomlinson survived the night.” He said at last.   
  
Niall jumped in joy, “Fuck, I was so worried.” Zayn hugged him, “Me too.”   
  
They were all celebrating, hugging each other and thanking God.   
  
The doctor cleared his throat. “We lost him once on the table and had to revive him.” He looked at them deep in the eye, “Louis Tomlinson was a person filled with secrets, no? On these tests we took it shows he was an Omega, while the whole public knew of him as an beta.”   
  
They nodded their head slowly. “If you don’t mind me asking, why? Seeing how two of you are already out with your second gender status, why let him live on suppressors? Had he entered the ER only hours later he would not have survived.”   
  
None of the boys answered, all looking down guilty. “We, we didn’t know.” Niall said.   
  
The doctor nodded, accepting the answer. “Additionally, his nose was broken, and three of his ribs. One of them had punctured his lung, so I’m rather amazed he lived over night. Tomlinson must have had an amazing willpower to live. Did he regularly get in brawl?”   
  
Liam looked green, both alpha’s knew they had caused this.   
  
“No, no he didn’t.” Harry answered.   
  
“Well anyway, we’ll have to have him stay in the hospital for at least one month. He seemed to have suffered from both Anorexia nervosa and Bulimia, and is extremely underweight,” The doctor continued.    
  
"How.. How could you see that he had bulimia? I, I was suspicious that he had anorexia." _yet i didn't do anything against it_ , went unsaid. Zayn whimpered and hugged himself closer.   
  
"His throat is rather abused, he must have thrown up daily the latest year. While many friends and family tend to miss it; you surely must have noticed that he coughed out blood while he sang,” The doctor said, “His stomach acid have burned through his throat. Like I said: It’s simply a miracle that he have been alive this long.”   
  
He took a deep breath, “All his major organs are failing, his kidney and liver needs to be replaced.”   
  
They all listened as the doctor continued to ramble on about Louis broken body.   
  
They all left their trance as they heard Louis bloodcurdling scream.   
  


* * *

  
Louis was in a bad state, and when he woke up he wished he was still dreaming.   
  
He had so many different tubes on him, monitores everywhere.   
  
This was not how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to die, and this just complicated the whole thing.   
  
He looked down and from the corner of his eyes he saw his band mates rush in.   
  
They didn't say anything, just stood there with tears in their eyes.   
  
Louis looked up at them with an indifferent face. The silence stretched out. "How dare you,” He muttered to them.   
  
"How dare you." He repeated with a higher voice, "how fucking _dare_ you."   
  
“Louis,” Niall took a tentative step forward, “You’re alive.” With tears running down his eyes he hugged him carefully.   
  
Louis started to snicker, then he full out started to laugh maniacally. That kind of mocking laughter with no emotion in it.   
  
He looked Niall square in the eyes, there were no tears, no trace of laughter. It was like some dead fish eyes. The omega flinched back.   
  
“Alive?” He mocked, “I’ve been dead for years.” Louis said coldly, pushing Niall off with the little strength he had left.   
  
Harry growled at his omegas whimpering. Louis laughed. He didn’t give a fuck anymore, he was done pretending.    
  
“See. I may have forgiven you, but don’t you come in here and act like you care. You never have, never will.”   
  
Louis looked at Harry and Liam, “You are good Alphas. Ignoring the beta of your pack, freezing him out, not even letting him be in the same room with your omegas,” He said and referred himself in third person.   
  
“And when the beta is an omega, you suddenly care.” He smiled crudely, “My, you’re the best Alphas out there.”    
  
The Alpha’s were angered by his tone - how dare he say this to them, but still felt regret of what they have done to him.   
  
Louis cut of their thoughts as he coughed up blood. Zayn was by his side, trying to steady him.    
  
“I like you, Zayn. You aren’t like the others, I still can’t fathom why you would want to be in a pack with them.” Louis chuckled, and coughed up even more blood.   
  
“But I guess I am like you. Wanted to be in a pack, and taking the first one. Even though it is a shitty one.” He said sleepily, the drugs in his system making him fall into slumber.   
  
“I have forgiven you. But that doesn’t mean I want any of you near me.” Louis mumbled, closing his eyes and feel down in a deep slumber. The boys heard him clearly.   
  
Niall cried, Zayn was frozen. They were all ushered out as Louis heartbeat started to fade out once again.   
  


* * *

  
He was dreaming again. He was dying again.   
  
Louis hoped this would be the last time he ever had to re-live his life.    
  
He embraced the darkness surrounding him. He wished for death.   
  


* * *

  
Niall was shaking when they were back at the waiting room once again, “He’s dying, oh god,” He whispered.   
  
Zayn closed his eyes, willing the tears away. Liam was by his side, hugging him closer to his warm body. “I, I can’t.” He started.    
  
The omega took a deep breath, “We’ve hurted him so much. And he forgave us. I-” A broken sob escaped him.   
  
Niall rushed to his side, “We didn’t know.” He repeated over and over again, like it would make any difference.   
  
“We didn’t know.” Harry said with clenched fists. “We didn’t notice. We’re such shitty Alphas.” He repeated Louis words.   
  
Liam was in the same mindset, “God. The last time we spoke to him was in his bathtub.” He laid his face in his hands, “Jesus, we beat him and called him omegaphobic.” He said to Harry.   
  
Zayn froze, “You did what?”     
  
Niall stared at the alpha with equally big eyes, “Can you repeat that?”   
  
“We fucked up. So badly.” Harry said with tears forming in the corner of his eyes.   
  
“You _beated_ him up?” Zayn asked, anger filling his voice.   
  
The Alpha’s looked down in shame, “I’m sorry.”   
  
“Oh God. Those broken ribs and bruises. They were because of you.” Niall whispered.   
  
A sob escaped Zayn, “How could you do that? He was still your beta, your bandmate.”    
  
Neither of the Alpha answered, and Niall said with cold eyes, “Oh yes. He never was our beta, was he? He wasn’t in our pack, he was just our band mate that we ignored.”   
  
“I’m so sorry.” Harry whispered broken.   
  
“I… I think I need to wait in another room. Louis was right, you never let us be with him. You always took away our freedom.” Zayn said as he rose up with Niall beside him.   
  
“You’re my Alpha, my mate. I just need some time alone right now to think.” Niall said to Harry.   
  
With that they had left the room.   
  
And with that, both Harry and Liam left out pained noises; only now realising how much they had fucked up.   
  


* * *

  
“You’re alone.” Louis remarked as Zayn and Niall entered the room. He was looking out the window, not acknowledging their present.   
  
“I’m sorry.” Niall said from the doorway. Neither of the Omegas made their way inside.   
  
“We didn’t know how Harry and Liam were treating you.” Zayn continued.   
  
Louis continued to look out the window. After ten minutes they left.   
  
He giggled.   
  


* * *

  
  
Louis was still snickering when Liam and Harry entered.   
  
“You didn’t even need my help to fuck your relationship up. You did it all by yourself, bravo.” He clapped his hands slowly, every movement hurting.   
  
None of the younger boys said anything.   
  
Louis laughed, these drugs they were feeding him was simply amazing, “Shouldn’t you be out, playing on stage for all of our fans?”   
  
“It’s not One Direction without you.” Harry said.   
  
Louis smiled wickedly, “I have never been part of One Direction. This boy band is made of two mated couples, no betas.”    
  
Liam sobbed, is this what have they done to him. “That’s not true. You’re part of it, you’re a part of our pack.”   
  
Louis smile was gone, and back was his apathetic face. The way he looked at them from under his eyelashes wasn’t how Niall or Zayn looked -cute and innocent.   
  
No, when Louis looked at them from under his eyelashes he looked like death himself, his part open mouth just waiting to tell them their judge, their death.   
  
“If you believe that, you’re more stupid than I gave you credit for.” He murmured.   
  
Louis turned his attention to the window again, “Now, leave.”   
  


* * *

  
  
He felt like Hannibal when the boys entered his pristine white hospital room again. They looked for answers and he gave them riddles and truth.   
  
Louis liked that idea, it was so fitting. Both trapped with their only entertaining was a police or a boyband.   
  
“How are you feeling?” Niall asked. He was high on all drugs they were feeding him, he had just come out from a large operation and transplanting. The tubes were still everywhere.   
  
Louis smiled, but it didn’t reach his dead eyes.   
  
Zayn whimpered, he couldn’t handle how god damn broken Louis looked.   
  
They didn’t get anything more out of him.   
  


* * *

  
It continued like that for a month.   
  
Louis was constantly in and out of operation, always hooked up on drugs and tubes. His body was rejecting all food, and he had to get his nutrition in yet another tube.   
  
The monitors surrounding him constantly beeped.   
  
His eyes was dead, and it was a constant smile on his lips. Just like he always had when he was in the band, he was the joker; the one who was always smiling.   
  
Louis was always smiling. But he never spoke.   
  
He hadn't said anything for over a month.    
  
They spoke to him, he smiled, they screamed, he smiled, they cried, he _smiled_.   
  
And it was then they realised Louis was broken beyond repair.   
  
That night, no one slept a wink.    
  
And when they finally let sleep consume them, they woke up screaming, haunting memories coloring their minds.   
  
Tomorrow was the big day, the day they went out in a big press conference. A month ago it sounded so final, now, it is final.   
  
Everything is so ugly and broken.   
  


* * *

  
  
“We want to thank everyone for attending.” Liam began. He had dark circles under his eyes and insuncked cheekbones. The other three didn’t look an better.   
  
“One Direction had to take a pause, and we’re so terrible sorry for the inconvenience.” Harry said, trying to smile for the cameras. “We’ve been gone for over a month, and we swear we’ll come back and play in all the city like promises.”    
  
“But,” Zayn begun with the camera flashing all on them. It was the first time in a month times they had heard from One Direction, they had stayed low, not even tweeting anything. “We won’t continue with Louis.”    
  
And all hell broke lose.   
  
“Is that why you were at the hospital?”    
  
“What have happened to Louis Tomlinson?”   
  
“Have Louis finally gotten too far?”   
  
“Is Tomlinson kicked out from the group?”   
  
“Is One Direction now only four members?”   
  
Every interviewer shouted at the same time, trying to get answers.   
  
Niall looked sick. Harry squeezed his hand in reassurance. Niall took away his hand.   
  
Liam took a deep breath before starting the whole rehearsed speech, “Louis Tomlinson may join us later, but as it looks now he won’t. They day we stopped touring was the day we rushed to the hospital. That- that…”   
  
Zayn continued as Liam lost his words, “Louis died. That night we were supposed to play in Seattle, Louis died.” He said weakly.   
  
The room was in chaos again, “But he survived. He have died three times on the operation table since that day.” Niall continued, trying to keep his voice steady.   
  
“Louis Tomlinson is incredible strong, but he was hiding something big from us, from the public.” Harry looked straight forward, “Addition to his Anorexia, Bulimia, drug and alcohol problems there was something else. He used all these things as distraction, to hide his pain.”   
  
Harry looked down at his knees, ashamed that he didn’t noticed it, ashamed he didn’t cared. “You see, Louis was constantly in pain. During the day, the nights, the concerts and tours. His own body, his organs were failing him. Somedays he would be blind, some deaf. His tastebuds had failed him early on; and sometime he spoke his thoughts.”   
  
Liam took over, knowing how hard it was to says these things out loud, “You see, Louis Tomlinson hide that he was an Omega.”   
  
This time, the shouting didn’t stop for five minutes, everyone wanting answers to write the big next headline.   
  
It was disgusting.   
  
“We will continue to play as a four-man band at the moment. Our prayers lays with Louis, in hopes of him getting better.”   
  
They didn’t mention his diary, nor his inability to speak.   
  
They started the tour two days later.   


* * *

  
  
The Tomlinson family finally entered his hospital room, everyone speaking at the same time.   
  
Lottie was talking about her new boyfriend, a bloke from London who she’d already been on four dates with. She went on and on about how romantic he was -moonlight picnic and carefully picked out flowers delivered at her door.   
  
The twins shared all the best gossip about school with him, about the cute boys who shared the crayons with them, about how disgusting, blegh, the lunch were.   
  
All girls continued to update him about their lives, and through it all Louis smiled at them, not saying a word.   
  
Mark Tomlinson was the last one awake when Louis finally spoke.   
  
With dead eyes and a raspy, unused voice he said, “Kill me.”    
  
And for the first time in a month's time he looked someone straight in the eye.   
  



	3. a wild fantasy drenched in a redwine bag in box nostalgia

_  
__To die would be an awful big adventure,_ he ended his journal with.  
  
Not many would get, but with how obsessed his sister had been with Peter Pan he knew they would get it, and that was everything that mattered.  
  
"And you're the lucky reporter that will sell my life story?" Louis snickered at the girl. Of course Modest would sell him out to the high bidding gossip magazine, who would get an exclusive.  
  
It’s been a week since his family had visited him, and the only thing he have ever asked his bastard of a father, he didn’t fulfill.  
  
Something about it wouldn’t look good that he died when they were in the same room. Louis giggled, oh, how Mark didn’t understand that that was his only chance to come out clean out of this whole ordeal.  
  
When his diary comes out everyone that have ever had a conversation with him is fucked. Their whole life will be over. One week ago when they announced his second gender a whole lot of organisations came out to help him, and all other omega treated unfairly.  
  
The media was having a field day - everyone standing up for omegas rights. It was the new trend and every big shoot had joined.  
  
Nasty industrie, the media, turning their cape wherever the wind flows. One week ago, no one would give a fuck about male omegas and female alphas like usual.  
  
“I’m good, constantly dying and hooked up on meds, and you Jessica?” He answered the dark skinned reporter with a smile. He have been a lot more talkative after his father failed to kill him. This was the last step in his plan: to give out all information. Sure, it did backfire a bit when the boys rushed him to the hospital instead of letting him die.  
  
It was just a minor set back. His diary will be out when Jessica here publish her article.  
  
Jessica smile was strained and fake, “I’m fine. So, I’ll just start with the obvious, how old were you when you bloomed?”  
  
Such a nice word, bloomed. She could have just asked how old he was when he presented as the weakest sex and entered fucking hell.  
  
Why would he waste his breath answering it, it is all stated in his journal he will send with her.  
  
“I remember back in 2012, Zayn had just got the latest Batman, who got the ign’s prize of best comic book series of the year. _New 52, the court of owls,_ I think it’s name was.”  
  
Jessica tried to cut in, but Louis continued while looking out the window. He haven’t been outside for over a month's time now.  
  
“He had forgotten it on bus 1, and it was a boring night,” _The boys all entered the other bus and left me alone once again,_ “And I remember the start, the intro, so well. It really left an impression you know?” He asked rhetoric as she nodded and tried to steer the conversation in another direction. Hah, direction. Laughable joke.  
  
“It went something like, every Saturday, the Gotham newspaper includes a small lifestyle piece called “Gotham is”. They would ask random citizen to complete the sentence “Gotham is…” using three words or less.” Louis looked out of the window, trying the remember the comic word for word.  
  
“Gotham is had been running forever, and some of the most repeating words were _‘damned’, ‘cursed’, ‘murderous’, ‘a losing game’, ‘hopeless’.”_  
  
Louis looked Jessica right in the eye, “I remember it so clearly, just that damn introduction to this new batman comic. ‘Cause everything just fitted so perfectly if I replaced Gotham with One Direction.”  
  


* * *

  
It had been some rooky weeks since Louis had been hospitalized, but the mated couples pulled through the hardships.  
  
As they were bonded both omegas could feel their alphas regret and sorrow.  
  
They forgives them. The truth was simple - with the whole band and touring ordeal they didn't have time for fighting. They didn't have any spare time, and now that they had missed a whole month of touring, interviews, photoshoots and all that - they barely had time to eat and sleep.  
  
Zayn groaned, "How the fuck did Louis do this? All this, yet he still found time to play fucking fotboll and was out partying the rest of the time."  
  
"Well, he did state in his diary that it was good to have hobbies so he would think of the... You know." Niall mumbled.  
  
"Pain. So he didn't have to focus on the pain." Liam said.  
  
Paul came in with four magazines, “Looks like Louis opened up.” He said before throwing it at the boys.  
  
Harry was the first one to take the rag, “Exclusive: One Direction star Louis Tomlinson’s Diary & talks out!” and a picture of him in the hospital. He was sitting up with the help of many pillows behind him, in sunken dead pink eyes and not a muscle or fat on him. And fuck, all these tubes and needles everywhere.  
  
“Is that even okay to show? Like think of all the younger fans.” Liam stared at the picture. Niall was holding in his gag.  
  
It really wasn’t a pretty picture. But it message was clear.  
  
It started with an description of One Directions fame these last five years, to Louis talking about a batman comic.  
  
Zayn looked sick as he read through, “I had wondered where that one went. One Direction is…” He almost laughed, remembering the comic so well, “Two face. I remember them saying how the villain was often the answer. It fits us even more.”  
  
The omega was the only one laughing, and it soon turned into sobs as he came to the part of his diary. He didn’t want to read it again.  
  
“He have added three more entries at the end,” Niall said as he read through.  
  
_“I forgive you.  
  
Louis William Tomlinson.  
  
Entry. after hospital.  
  
Seemed like it wasn’t my last, even though I had asked daddy dearest to kill me. The only thing I have ever asked for and he doesn’t even do it. So annoying, parents should always fulfill their children's wishes, shouldn’t they? How rude.  
  
They say when you die life flashes before your eyes. It wasn’t quite like that. Even after all these times I’ve died now I still don’t see my life rolling like a movie. No, I see these insignificant details I remember so well even though I have no clue why.  
  
Like Lottie’s ugly flower scarf she had on the last time I saw her. It was nothing special about, but I remember it so well.  
  
The blood on my hands that time I teared my skin with my nails in a bathtub in Ohio. I remember it so clearly, it wasn’t even the first time my nails had drawn blood, neither the last. But just that memorie. In an large jacuzzi like bathtub, the other boys banging and wreaking havoc next door. I remember the pain - I had already raided the minibar for alcohol but everything was up drunk the night prior (a lá myself, of course). I had some coke and did some lines but the pain was just unbearable. It was awful.  
  
I remember so many insignificant details that would come to be as I died. Not the big life changing ones, like x-factor, being put in one direction, the start of suppressor. Only these small details.  
  
But then I wake up in the sterile clean white hospital bed. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I sleep. I don’t really do anything when I realise I had survived once again. I might sound evil to all of you out there fighting for your life, but everytime I die, I embrace it. I want it. I’m longing for it.  
  
To die would be an awful big adventure.”_  
  
And at the last part of the article was the paper they had signed under five years ago. The agreement sounded inhuman.  
  
“Fuck.” Liam said, “Fuck, we need to visit him.”  
  
The other nodded - but how would, could they. They were in the middle of a tour, and Modest would never let them take a break again.  
  
**Louis_Tomlinson** tweeted: _to all of you suing me for this diary, do you actually think I give a fuck when all that's left of me is dying ?_ __  
  


* * *

  
Everything went to shit as soon as Louis journal and their M!M contract was out. In 24 hours everything had changed, Mark was the first one to get thrown in jail and with all these chargers it was a sure lifelong judge. Rape and abuse of omegas was still pretty casual, everyday thing. Suppressor - not so much. It was a twisted society they lived in.  
  
But more and more lawyers came into to the picture, telling everyone how illegal these contract were. The tour stopped once again and the boys couldn't have been more thankful. Their first stop was the hospital, and it was hell to get inside with all journalist and paparazzis.  
  
Without even the boys doing anything, Modest was brought down right before their eyes. Sure, they all tried to sue Louis as he couldn't go out with that information, but all these inhuman acts and the way they had overworked One Direction became their downfall.  
  
Everything was falling all around them, and the critic towards the Alphas, Liam and Harry was harsh.  
  
  
"Thank you for forgiving us. We're sorry. We were just so wrapped up in our bonding and the whole touring, we -- we forgot about you. I can never tell you how sorry I am." Harry said by his bedside one night, Liam on the other.  
  
Louis nodded, "I know. I got that. They worked us too hard, we never had any time for relationship or friendship, really. I know that, no need to keep apologizing."  
  
Liam made a pained sound, "Yes it is. We're so fucking sorry, we did this to you. We do love you as a member of our pack, please never forget that."  
_  
__You showed it very clearly with your fist,_ Louis thought but didn't say. They would just keep apologizing again and he didn't want that.  
  
"And I love you. That's why I forgave you. Let’s make a new, fresh start." Louis smiled, he hated how he wanted to be in a pack so badly. But he wasn't picky -never have, never had the opportunity to be. He was still a beta, in some fucked up way. He will never be an omega, he went against it for so long until it finally disappeared.  
  
"Yes, let's." Harry carefully held his hand, as if it was made of glass and could break whenever. It probably could.  
  
Some year ago he would have to resist to urge to squeeze back, to come closer to the alpha. He didn't feel it anymore. He didn't feel anything towards Alphas. He laughed at the irony, when he was finally free to be an omega, to feel the comforts alphas brings - he can't. He so fucking messed up and broken.  
  
The next week went on, there was constantly interviews and lawsuits, hospital visit and charity. One Direction played at the big arenas and shows, but their tour never came back up.  
  
Louis didn’t left the hospital one single time.  
  
But the boys grew closer again, like they were in the first year of One Direction. The mated couples could finally talk about, and it was really just a constant sleepover in Louis hospital room. They had brought with them so many pillows and covers to cheer the omega up, even lights in different colors, to get his attention away from the god awful white room.  
  
“You know, I always used to pick up songs I wanted on my funeral.” Louis mused out loud to the other boys while they were playing uno.  
  
“When I was fifteen I was dead set, hah, get it dead? Hilarious,” Louis continued, “To have the funeral by band of horses playing. A classic, I know. Later I wanted something from Johnny cash, his cover from six inches you know? Then I wanted 9 crimes and other sad music. I alway wanted something with piano.”  
  
Louis smiled up, “Then our first real big hit came out, What makes you beautiful. This is it, I used to think every time I heard it. This is the song that everyone will remember me by, this is the song I want on my funeral.”  
  
Niall made a sound between laughing and sobbing, laying out a green nine.  
The older omega looked down again, “Then I found Disturbed's cover of the sound of silence. I want that to play at my funeral.” He whispered the last part.  
Zayn nodded, no one said anything.  
  
Later that night, after even more games and talking, where everything was slowly mending together with laughter, Zayn looked up the song.  
  
Disturbed, he wrote in the search bar. He half expected some metal song about hell and agony; but their cover of The Sound of Silence took his breath away.  
  
The lead singer’s voice was so strong, and it was just so fucking beautiful. Tears fell down his cheek and he promised Louis that it would play at his funeral. He hoped it wouldn't be too soon, but he knew just how little time Louis had left.  
  
He couldn't fool himself anymore. And he cried even more and repeated the song, learning every word by heart. His last tribute to his friend will be when he sang along.  


  
 __“And no one dared  
disturb the sound of silence  
fools, said I, you do not know  
silence like a cancer grows”  
  
  


* * *

  
“Did you hear about the game where you put your wish into a bottle and throw it at the sea? The demon will read it and grant it.” Niall smiled at the other as he entered the hospital room bringing three pizzaz.  
  
“It’s an old myth that children have turned into a game, right?” Harry asked as he hugged his omega tightly and kissed his forehead.  
  
"Ah, I've heard of it." Liam said from the pillow fort next to Louis bed, "Though I haven't played it."  
  
"Same," Louis said and reached to the pizza. He probably still wouldn’t be able to stomach it, but atleast it will taste something.  
  
Niall smiled as he gave Louis all pizzas, letting him choose which ever he wanted, “Let’s play it. The sea isn’t that far away.”  
  
"Alright, why not." Harry shrugged.  
  
"Sure." Liam nodded, "Where are we gonna get the bottles and papers?"  
  
Niall grinned, taking fourth five empty bottles.  
  
"Did you seduce one of the nurses or?" Louis asked, laughing.  
  
At three a.m. Niall sneaked away to the sea, throwing the bottles into the water.  
  
"Let's see if they become real, then." Niall said, “If you are real, please let us wishes become true.” He murmured into the sea, before walking back to the hospital.  
  
  
"I'm too broken to be an omega. I can never give anyone children. My emotions is fried. On every level except physical I am a corpse." Louis admitted later.  
  
“I- we don’t care. We love you. Fuck that shit, bro, you’re fucking amazing.” Zayn said and hugged him sweetly.  
  
“You’re in our pack. We love you.” Harry said and hugged him too. Niall and Liam joined in the group hug, everyone telling Louis how much they love him, cherish him, how strong he is.  
  
If he could, he would have cried.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Louis Tomlinson took his last breath two week later.  
  
The doctor said it was just a matter of time one month ago, and told them how strong he had been.  
  
They knew it was coming, they just didn’t realise they how little time they actually had.  
  
For the first time since the whole fiasco happened, Louis tweeted his last tweet, **I love every single one of you.**  
  
They knew it had happened, touched his dead skin which had already sunken it. He looked like a wax doll.  
  
This is it. This was it.  
  
Nothing is fine, and the whole ordeal was just ugly with every magazine wanting a picture, his family in pieces since Mark went to prison, and his pack was crying by his bedside.  
  
In the end, Louis never realised how much he affected everyone surrounding him.  
  
The day Louis Tomlinson died, everything turned into black and gray.  
  


* * *

  
Louis funeral was a little, private, thing. No media, just friends and family.  
  
“Louis Tomlinson was a man made of secrets, an omega with a grotesque heart on his sleeve that no one saw behind his cover up of fabricated personality and toxic. He was a man that harden down to a diamond, someone who have gone through all hardship life could ever give you.”  
  
“Louis William Tomlinson will forever be remembered and missed.”  
  
And Zayn held his promise, he sang out the whole sound of silence as it played.  
  
Harry swore he had never seen so many flowers at one place before, not even in florist boutiques.  
  
And in over five years time, there were always daily, fresh flowers decorating Louis grave.  
  


* * *

__   
10 years later   
  
"Daddy! Tell me a story!" Louis ran up to Harry, the seven year old was just a ray of sunshine like his father. A soft shiny brown hairs flopped around his head, and light blue eyes. He had as much Niall as himself, but he looked so much like his namesake.   
  
"A lullaby?" Harry laughed as he picked the boy and put him in bed.   
  
"About how I got my name!" He shouted excited as he hugged his giant green dinosaur he had named William.   
  
"You see, little one, once upon a time your father and I had a bandmate..."   


* * *

  
  
  
__In a land far away ran a child around, playing around in the sea. She found a bottle drifting around and she run up too, hoping in a childish glee it would lead her to a pirates treasure.  
  
She opened it up, and on the old creamy colored paper was the words **I wish for a new beginning together with the other boys. LWT.**  
  
The young girl shrugged and took it home and placed it with all her other junk and treasures. She wondered if the demon had fulfilled his wish.   
  
She hoped this LWT got his happy ending. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr @milliondollarbum

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @milliondollarbum


End file.
